The Pacifist [COMPLETED]

Boiling Point

Joseph

It was no good, avoiding Rachel was much harder than Joseph had anticipated. He had hoped that she was a habit he could easily kick. But he found he wasn't just missing the release she offered him, but her presence. She was everything good in this world. She was what the world needed much, much more of. Rachel may think her empathy and sensitivity was a weakness, but he saw it for the raw, profound beauty it was. It took courage to keep living when you felt everything around you and it took strength to weather his rage fueled violence.

The barely suppressible urge to punch that guy was just a consequence of denying himself her sweetness. Joseph knew that if he didn't figure something out, and quick, he could very well end up in jail. Pulling out his phone, he brought up Rebbecca's contact, his thumb hovering over the call button. She deserved better, but there wasn't anyone else he could talk to. A small part of him hoped she'd also offer herself up for his use after talking him down from the ledge. He shook away the thought, shoving that part of him into a steel drum and dropping it into hit mind's quarry. That was an 'asshole' line he wasn't willing to cross. Rebbecca truly did deserve better and in a strange way, doing that felt like a huge violation against Rachel. They hadn't talked about exclusivity and even if they had, his ghosting performance undoubtedly would have voided any agreements. Still, after what they'd shared, Rachel owned a part of him in a way that couldn't just be taken back only to be casually given to someone else.

Joseph found himself at Rebbecca's building. Calling would have been too easy for her to ignore. Same went for the buzzer. So he lurked nearby until he could walk in after someone had left the building. He purposely pounded on her door when he reached it before he could stop himself. He cursed his compulsion to illicit fear as his mind imagined her jolting from the unexpected sound. The peephole darkened. He expected her to tell him to fuck off, but she said nothing. A few moments passed before she cracked her door open in a way that screamed 'internal argument.' He knew instantly she did want to tell him to fuck off, but Rebbecca was a curious woman and he was positive she needed to know why he had dared to grace her doorstep after their last conversation.

"What do you want?" she eventually said, trying her damned best to keep her tone neutral. The 'fuck-off' he had expected hung silently in the air, but was followed by a faint wisp of hope. Although faint, Joseph's keen senses picked up on it.

"I need your help." He was horrified when he choked on a sob on the last word.

Rebbecca nodded and stepped to the side, opening the door all the way so he could enter. They silently made their way to the living room where she had bordeaux red couches. They were so unlike her, but the rest of the room made them make sense. She wasn't the most indulgent person, but she had her places where her desire ran rampant... like her curiosity.

"So?" she prompted, still trying to appear uninterested.

"I fucked up."

She pressed her lips together and raised her eyebrows with a small shake of the head, as if saying, "And?"

"That night you caught me outside of my place... well I let 'it' out." He choked on another sob. "I fucking let 'it' out and I lost my mind..."

"You need to be more specific?"

Joseph ground his teeth. No, she just wanted all the gory details so she could vicariously live through Rachel's experience and hurt over the fact that it hadn't been her. A true masochist. But, she had been gracious enough to let him in, so Joseph gave her what she wanted.

He took a deep breath, willing his lungs to do a better job at breathing and to stop the fucking sobbing. "I let go of myself. I didn't hold back. I went up to my apartment and she was waiting for me, just as I had asked her too. Even though I had taken longer than expected."

Rebbecca nodded, knowing she had caused the delay.

"I was so deflated from being riled up and then sobered by our encounter. But then I saw her there and froze, thinking maybe it was a good thing I had run into you. But it had felt so fucking good letting go. The frenzy... I wanted it back and then she crawled to me and..." he stopped, feeling the specific details would be a violation of Rachel's consent.

"I understand," said Rebbecca.

"She just got me back to that place again and then I lost myself. Everything went blank. I was there but I wasn't. Then I passed out and in the morning when I saw what I'd done..." Another sob. "She looked as if she'd been mauled by an animal. What if she had tried to stop me and I didn't?"

"And what if you would have stopped?"

Joseph didn't respond, determined to hate himself for what could have happened.

"Jesus Christ Joseph! You're impossible! How can you sit here, upset about what could have been? I'm guessing you asked her if she had tried to stop it and she said no, right? So what the fuck is there to be upset about?! You dumb fuck!" Rebbecca's chest heaved and she was close to hysterics.

Again, her outburst caught Joseph off guard.

"You found someone you could let go with. Someone who is willing to receive all of you and you're here crying about it to someone else who was willing to do the same? I'm glad we never got past casual because you, Joseph, are thoroughly fucked up and a woman my age doesn't need that shit in her life. Now get out."

Joseph didn't move.

"I said get out!" she screamed.

He could feel the storm building inside of her, knew she needed him to stay put so she had a reason to hit him. And she did. Rebbecca launched off her sofa and went at him, right arm pulled back, hand open, and slapped him with all her might. There was a good chance it had hurt her more than him. Joseph didn't react to the hit which only angered her more. Her hits were a barrage of unspoken truths. Joseph couldn't play ignorant. Deep down, he had known Rebbecca had feelings for him that went beyond their casual encounters, but he had ignored them with the hopes she wouldn't push for more. And she had obliged.

He deserved her rage and he sat still, making the perfect punching bag until she was done. Rebbecca crumpled onto the floor at his feet, breathing hard from her exertion.

"I loved you so fucking much. I tried to be unaffected but..." she shrugged in defeat and laughed sadly, "I guess I'm just another idiot woman thinking she can change a man.

Joseph leaned down and gently took her face between his hands, coaxing her to look up. When she did, he let himself feel all of her heartbreak, her disappointment.

"I am so unbelievably sorry. What I did was wrong, selfish, and unfair. You deserve so much better Rebbecca and I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you."

Her lips trembled. "But why her?"

Her insecurity hit him in the gut. "I don't know."

Rebbecca nodded as if understanding what that meant. "I'm sorry. I've been trying hard to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't me and would never be, but I just can't."

"Please don't apologize for anything."

She took a calming breath. "You came for advice so I'll give it to you. Don't be stupid and trust her. Trust that she'll survive you. That maybe you are exactly what she needs and it's not your job to decide that for her."

Joseph swiped away one of her tears with his thumb. It was sound advice, but he wasn't ready to hear it. Men like him couldn't hope for things like that— things like acceptance.

Rebbecca smiled with tight lips, recognizing his resistance. "You'll figure it out. Now please, I really need you to leave and never come back."