The Pacifist [COMPLETED]

How Dare I?

Joseph

"Fuck," was all Rebbecca said when she saw Joseph's face. Her usual saccharine smile knew it was not the time, nor place to make an appearance. She stepped aside so Joseph could enter her apartment. "I'm guessing you played with her?"

Joseph grunted.

"She got scared?"

Joseph's shoulders bunched and he froze, his back still towards Rebbecca. After a moment, he shook his head.

Rebbecca didn't say anything and waited for him to lead the way to the living room. They sat, him on a chair and she on the edge of her sectional sofa. She knew better than to say anything else. When Joseph was ready, he would talk.

"She liked it."

"So? What's the problem then?"

"But she called, yellow."

"Isn't that a good thing? You're always so worried about losing control or someone being too afraid to tell you to stop, but she proved she can use her words and you obviously respected her safe word. Right?"

Joseph nodded.

"So? Again... what's the problem?"

"It was almost impossible to stop."

Rebbecca rolled her eyes. "It's always impossible for you to stop, but you always do. I don't think that's it." As she spoke, Joseph saw the realization in her eyes as she came back to the same conclusion as before. "Oh my God, you really do have feelings."

Joseph looked away, his hands clenching into tight fists. Instincts had him wanting to deny it, but he was too smart to bother trying to lie to someone as perceptive as Rebbecca. When he had first met her, he had mistaken her for a fellow empath, but Rebbecca was special in a different way. She was extremely intelligent and observant and the conclusions she came to didn't come from feelings, just from a profound ability to pay attention and make sense of the data.

She inhaled sharply, "Well fuck. What are you going to do about it?"

Joseph's fists ached. What was he going to do about it? He wanted to sink his teeth and nails into flesh. He wanted to use Rebbecca in the hopes he could forget and unleash everything that had been meant for Rachel.

"No." Rebbecca's voice was so quiet, he wasn't sure if she had spoken or he had imagined the response to his thoughts.

"As much as I love our time together and I'm okay with the fact that that's all this will ever be, you taking what you need and then leaving, I can't do this."

"I don't... understand."

"You can exploit my love for pain, but I won't be anyone's stand-in. When you hurt me, I want you to hurt me." She pointed to her chest to emphasize her point. "When we play, I know your responding to me and my hunger, even if it's contempt for it. But, it's still for me. I can tell, whatever you have inside of you is for her now and won't be a proxy. I'm worth more than that." Rebbecca's ironclad nonchalance cracked for the first time as her bottom lip quivered and it had feeling Joseph feeling worse than when he had accidentally given her a black eye. "You may not think that and I know it's because you don't understand the magic we've shared, but I know I'm worth more than that."

The dam had broken. All of Rebbecca's heartache hit Joseph. It was only then that he realized how much she had protected him. How had she been able to hide her feelings from him? His fists clenched even tighter. "I so... so sorry Rebbecca," he choked.

She smiled sadly. "I know. But I need you to leave and promise me to never come back." Her words weren't angry. It was a plea. Joseph knew no one would be able to give her what he did, and as strong as she was, few had the will to resist their deepest desires, especially when fulfilling them was no easy task.

"I promise. I owe you that much." He wasted no time and stood to leave. Everything in him fought to demand she give him the release he desperately needed to keep from unraveling, but like Rebbecca had said, he would always stop when told to. That little fact was the one thing he held on to, that gave him hope that maybe he wasn't so bad.

He turned after he stepped into the hallway. She was a beautiful woman and he hadn't appreciated her as much as he should have, as much as she deserved.

"I love you," she said, before closing the door.

The only way Joseph could explain how he felt, was close to being left with his dick in his hand after being teleported to a place where he shouldn't have his dick in his hand. He pulled out his phone and pulled up the message thread with Rachel. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard.

A week had passed since that night with Rachel. Would she even want to hear from him?