Maybe We Should Go Back

All or nothing

For the first time in months, I am getting a break from the kids. The in-laws came to get them and take them for the night because me and the husband are deep cleaning/organizing/re-arranging everything in our house.

Our house is small but we love it. It was built in the 50's so it's got that feeling of lived-in-ness that older homes have. I love that feeling. It's homey to me. But the house is fairly small for the four of us, and it's been a long time since we have re-evaluated all the stuff we have and thinned it out, and this badly needed to happen.

Therapy this week was... interesting. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can reveal just how bad things are and have been. I told her about the drinking and my newfound obsession with the Deltas (Delta 9 gummies especially) and how when I'm not under some kind of "influence" I am feeling totally flat, emotionless and dead inside, so most of the day I'm under the influence of something, either THC/delta or alcohol or both to feel some semblance of energy and joy.

I hate that flat feeling of being sober. I know why I hate it. I hate it because that flat feeling is all the depression I am trying to pretend doesn't affect me right now, mostly because it can't. I have a very good job I need to hold down. I have two children under the age of six. Even though it's summer break I have shit to do in this house and shit to do to get ready for school starting. I do not have time to succumb to whatever the hell is going on in my brain. I go through these bad bouts of depression like every 6 or 7 years. First one was at age 12, the next 20, the next at 27, and the last at 32, which was the mental hospital one, and that was in 2018... I think... so yeah, right on target. 39. Fuck. I didn't want to be right. Anyway, during these bouts which can last months to years, I literally don't have the energy to even tie a shoe. We're talking, sleeping all day long. We're talking, forgetting what you're talking about mid-sentence. We're talking, border-line non-functional. I don't have time for that. I will lose my job over that. But what to do? How to stop it? It's like a tsunami. There's no hope of outrunning it. You can only watch as it gets closer. So how to cope?

For a long, long time now I have been trying to get away from all substances (not just the "bad"
ones like scripts or hard drugs), but cutting it ALL out of my life. I've been weaning off the Suboxone for awhile and I'm on 2 pills a day now. It's almost not enough, in the sense that I have some withdrawal symptoms between doses (nothing too crazy: the shakes, constant yawning, nose running like crazy, always sniffly ("it's totally allergies, guys"), which could be part of the whole depression/flat feeling I'm experiencing while sober).

I want to get off of EVERYTHING (except the anti-depressants. I've accepted I will probably be on those for the rest of my life). The reason why is I want to pursue a deeper connection with the spiritual world, specifically working to understand and open my third eye, and I believe your body has to be free of any outside influences to experience or hear from the spiritual world. I also think the spirits will not be happy with a person using substances to avoid authentic feelings. I no longer believe in "sin" but I still know what's right and wrong, and I can't imagine any pure spirits out there wanting to work with someone on the "wrong" side of things. Even though that's been the goal, though, it's just not happening. It's been the goal for like 2 years now, and it's not happening!

I've been letting myself off the hook because I'm not doing "real" drugs. I'm essentially just doing Frankenstein-pot and drinking, neither of which are illegal (federally anyway) and neither of which are considered taboo or horrifying to most normal folks. But I know better. I do. I know that, for me, these will never be fun casual distractions. It will be all or nothing. It has to be. That's the way my brain is wired. All. Or. Nothing. I'm not gonna have one bite when I can eat the whole goddamn thing, and I'm not gonna get high one time when I could feel that good all the time! Just don't give me the option. No matter what it is. It's safer that way.

Writing all this down just sends me straight to the Swamps of Shame, and the guilt I feel is totally soul crushing. If reading this entry fills you with rage as you think about my innocent children, trust me, there is nothing you could think or say to me that I don't already say to myself a million times a day. Literally nothing. Think about how a Grizzly Bear kills a predator trying to hurt her cubs. Think about the violence and sheer ferocity of that. In my case, I'm both the protector and the threat to my children, and I attack myself with the force of a Grizzly Bear. Unfortunately for me, this attack and the guilt of it puts me straight into the headspace of "I can't feel this," and then I will use, and then it will spiral into the never-ending cycle that it is.

So say you're me. Just imagine. Humor me. I need advice. You are me, with my two precious children. You know you are most likely facing a severe and lengthy bout of depression that has the potential to be almost completely debilitating. However, you are already in therapy and on 3 different depression and anxiety meds, all of which are at or close to their maximum dosage. You have a stressful full time job and two young kids with little help. What do you do? What would you do? What do I do?