Maybe We Should Go Back

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I was sick about two weeks ago. I only had about 2 days to get better. It was on a Saturday. I woke up feeling like my head had been walloped. I ended up having to go back to bed a couple hours later.

That same day, while I was asleep, my husband also got sick. Guess who had to get out of bed and take care of the kids and everything all day long without a break while he laid in bed? Oh that would be me. I figured we would at least take shifts. But no. There was no, "How are you feeling?" There was no, "Do you need anything?" There was no, "Why don't you go take a rest."

Napping in itself turned out to smack me in the face too because he was raging at the kids when I woke up. From then on I wouldn't have taken a nap anyway because I don't want the kids alone with him.

I told my therapist, "I wish someone would care for me."

"How?"

"Like when you're sick and they check up on you or ask what you need. Or maybe they'll put a cool washcloth on your head. Or maybe they'll get you a cold drink with ice and a straw. That sort of thing. That's what I wish someone would do for me."

"You mean you wish your husband would do that."

I started crying. She's so right. Does he even love me anymore? I don't feel it. His actions don't show it. At the beginning of our relationship he made me feel treasured. I also had known him so long I didn't think twice about marrying him. Now here we are. There is a side of him that is dark and has been growing over the years, and I can't do anything about it. He is too proud to ever go to therapy or admit he needs help with his anger.

I don't know what to do. I have taken some steps into looking up more resources. I need to know what I can do.

We had a nice anniversary. He made dinner and we sat outside and had a bonfire and drinks. Things felt kind of like they used to be. I realize how much I have changed over the years, and I don't think it's for the better. I have become much more withdrawn, meek, passive. I've suppressed my own hobbies and my own interests because he always makes fun of them.

He has conditioned me to feel really stupid, and I do feel that way all the time. I noticed it the other day. If I forget something I'm always telling my students I have holes in my brain or I make some other joke about how dumb I am, and they say, "No you're not! You're not stupid!" The sweethearts. But how much truth is there to the statement? Am I smart? Can I pay attention to anything or am I constantly zoned out? I forget little things, big things, doesn't matter. He makes me feel terrible for it. I have blamed this mostly on depression, because I didn't used to be like that. He makes me feel so useless.

It feels good to get this out here. I'm discouraged and feel lost. I called the DV hotline this weekend and they confirmed that our relationship is definitely abusive, and even though I knew that, it also killed me to hear. I told them everything, the physical and non-physical.

I cannot believe I am in this situation again. I cannot believe I thought I knew someone so well, just for them to completely change on me when we are 16 years in. I just want to be loved, in a healthy and normal way. I want someone to care not just about me but for me. I want someone to love me because of who I am, not because of what I can do for them. I wonder if I'll ever have that.