Maybe We Should Go Back

Trapped in a corner

So when I called the DV hotline the other day they pointed me to another website called Strong Hearts Native Helpline. They said it's a resource that exists for Native women in abusive relationships.

I called them during my plan time yesterday. It was really informative, about the ways we're conditioned in Native culture to stay in one of these relationships. I learned a new term: cultural abuse, when your partner makes fun of your culture, won't let you participate in events for your culture, or tells you that you aren't "Native enough" or you're "too Native." It made so much sense. I was like, oh so that's why he does it. My husband has always mocked everything about my culture and the history of alcoholism in my family and how it's so stereotypical etc. I remember him completely shaming me for learning the Chickasaw language. So many more problems instantly flooded my brain.

The more I learn, the more I realize that my marriage is really fucked up. I told the woman on the phone that ideally I want to move back to Oklahoma to be with my family and that I'm totally isolated here. I want to take my kids and go, leave everything behind, even the job I love. I've always hated being here and that's something I can easily admit. In my childhood there were two states I told myself I would never, under any circumstances, EVER live in: Texas and Florida. Guess whose dumb ass is in Florida all grown up?

Anyway, getting back to Oklahoma has always felt like a pipe dream, and now more than ever it seems impossible to get there. The lady was so nice and sent me the names of two resources in Oklahoma and three resources here that could help me make that transition and move.

I am still so scared about taking next steps. I feel like any courage or strength I once possessed are no longer in existence. I feel like the weakest person alive. There's a quote that says, "Being a mother forces you to be strong. Even if you don't feel it, you must pretend."  You have to. And that is what I've been doing for years; pretending things are going well and that I'm not actually a raw, gaping wound that happens to have arms and legs.

All I do these days is cry. I feel like someone I loved died and then I found out something horrible about them, and I can never think of them the same way. It's like you can't even have the luxury of mourning something without some kinda bullshit there to fuck up your perception about it. I don't have closure. I can't mourn the marriage I thought I had, because that marriage was always bad and I just didn't know enough, didn't care enough to get away or find out. Until I had kids. You back yourself into these corners in life. You can't see the future, so you end up in a corner. Anyone can.

I married at 23 and just wanted someone to love and take care of me the way my parents didn't. And I got that, for a long time. The good times don't disappear, and it's because of those good times I cry the most. I don't cry about the abuse because of course it hurts, but the good memories hurt me even more.