Maybe We Should Go Back

Am I bipolar? And new meds

So last entry I described how things have gone south for me and my mentals these days. The thing about my therapist (which I can't decide if I like this) is that she is all about taking action and making changes, any changes, to get yourself out of a rut. She will say, "Okay what are you gonna do about that?" And it forces me to come up with some kind of solution or idea to tell her.

Anyway, this whole "action step" portion inspired me to speak with my psychiatrist about my medication. I have not touched changing my meds in 7 years. I've been way too paranoid considering what I went through trying to find the right cocktail of meds. Once I found it, that was it and I never wanted to touch it again.

But the psychiatrist told me some interesting things I didn't know. Turns out my meds are mostly for anxiety and less for depression. At the time I started them my depression was not as big of an issue as the anxiety. I said yeah that makes sense, and I told her about the 7 year cycle and how I was coming off the tail end of that when we set up this regimen. This seemed to surprise her, and she started asking me questions about my moods and how impulsive I am. Now, I obviously have impulse issues. I'm a drug addict, which almost always means you have a problem with impulsivity. I could tell she was trying to figure out if I'm bipolar, which I have never once considered because I don't seem to experience any "mania" but turns out mania can look like restlessness and being wired/jittery, which I feel like I experience all the fucking time. She didn't go so far as to diagnose me bipolar, but I'll talk to her more about it next time. The idea of that is scary to me but would also be a welcome explanation for everything I'm experiencing.

Anyway, she gave me two new meds. Something to help me sleep, which I've been too wired to do lately, and something that's just for depression. It's day 2 on these new ones and I know it'll take awhile to notice anything, but I feel pretty drowsy if I'm being honest. The sleeping pill is some form of allergy pills. They can't give me benzos since I'm a drug addict, and that's fine because I know I would abuse the fuck out of those, but the thing about these allergy-pill knock offs is that they work like Benadryl, which I feel the affects of even into the next day, so I'm currently sitting here like a zombie trying to keep my eyes open. I feel like I'm in a complete fog.

It's getting harder and harder to type, and I gotta get my daughter down for a nap before I can crash out myself, so this is the end but I'll write more later.