Maybe We Should Go Back

I'm really not okay

I want to share some things that are heavy on my mind and heart. My marriage is deteriorating. I'm no longer certain I can do this for a lifetime. Not with him. The main reason is that the stresses of life lately have turned him into an angry tyrant. He yells at the kids, who are terrified of him. He yells at me. He tells me he can feel himself being an asshole to us but can't help it. Our 16th anniversary is Friday.

Last week, when I was sick, I dared to take a nap. I woke up to the kids screaming and crying, so I ran in there and he was fucking terrorizing them in a rage. I swear I never get a damn break because I have to guard the kids from his abusive behavior. I am so tired. I am so worn out. I never get time to myself because I'm afraid to leave them with him. He has no patience, none at all, for the developmentally normal behavior of a 2 and 5 year old. Things like forgetting to pick up toys or not eating all their dinner or my son wetting the bed by accident sets him off in an insane way.

Like, I get it. Our life is stressful right now for a number of reasons, mostly financial in nature. But... I am ALSO stressed just as much as him and yet I manage to control myself and not act like a fucking toddler, so why doesn't he? I know I have more patience than the average person (not trying to brag- teaching has just forced me to be this way and now it comes naturally) so sometimes I wonder if I am the one who is just too patient, or is he the one acting like a psycho?

In therapy this week I was telling her about all this. Trust me, there are a lot worse things that have happened because of his temper, and those I shared with her (they are physical in nature but I don't feel comfortable sharing that right now). She said, "You guys are afraid of him."

I completely broke down and started sobbing. I told her we are all scared and walk on eggshells all the time. I told her I can't stand to see the fear in my babies' eyes. It kills me. We talked about divorce. I'm in a situation currently where I don't have a lot of options. My teaching salary is pennies. There's no way I could pay the mortgage just by myself (the house is in my name so I would get it), I also have no family here to help support us or take the kids until it gets sorted out. His parents are wonderful, but first of all they are elderly and in poor health. second of all, I don't see them helping me with divorcing their son. They are very religious after all and don't believe in it, even though my father in law has treated my mother in law terribly in the past and she should have left him decades ago.

I feel stuck. I feel panicked. I would move back to Oklahoma but I don't want to uproot my kids and take them from their dad (he is still their dad and I know he loves them to pieces). In other words, I'm out of ideas. Talking to him about any of this just sends him into a rage, so I can't even reason with him.

I don't know what to do... what I even can do. I just had to tell this shit to someone. I feel so alone in the world. No one knows the whole me. No one knows the things I wrestle with. And honestly, I don't feel like anyone cares. I said "feel like" because I know it's not true, but the emotion is so big it's like this umbrella over me, and nothing true gets through it.