Introverts

Pros and Cons

C O N N O R
I'm drowning in a sea of emotions and warped desires. I can almost feel his fingertips grazing my sides and tangling themselves in my hair. And the fact that I'm able to feel it scares me. I'm 17 and have never felt attraction to someone until now. How do I act? Does he know? I mean I kissed him, he'd have to be stupid to not at least have a tiny suspicion. But then again if it was the other way around I wouldn't jump straight to him liking me either. I slip on my shoes and begin to tie them.

I woke up this morning from the strangest of dreams. I was sinking in some body of water, only I wasn't scared. It was warm and welcoming and I can remember falling and falling and being completely okay with it. Then another figure comes into view, getting closer and closer to me until it's only inches from my face. Troye's curly hair and blue eyes are prominent, letting me know it's him without having to see his all of his face. He wrapped his arms around me, his eyes dancing with mirth.

Is it worth it Connor? The little voice inside my head spoke. Is it worth all the pain and confusion to like this boy? Troye then ducked his head and brushed his lips against mine lightly. You're not scared of losing control? You're already deaf, are you okay with losing your peace of mind too?

He then connected his lips with mine and I remember thinking, oh god. Yes it is. It's definitely worth it. But the part that scares me the most is as soon as I let him take control, as soon as I decided it was worth the risk, he pulled away. With hate and disgust buried deep in his blue eyes he pushes me back and I wake up falling.

Now sitting on the edge of my bed I can hear the shower running from across the hall. What does the dream mean? It's obvious that I'm petrified of liking him, I don't need a nightmare to tell me that. But what does that mean action wise? Do I take a chance and tell him how I feel or keep up this platonic relationship we've subconsciously formed? I sigh frustratedly, hearing the water turn off. I start on my second shoe. It doesn't usually take me this long putting on my beat up Chucks but I'm a bit distracted today. My door swings open hastily and I look up startled. Troye's face is contorted in obvious distress.

"What is it?" I ask, standing up and giving him a worried look.

"I don't have any hair product!" He says, running a hand through his wet hair and giving me a look of desperation and fear. I laugh.

"Just use some of mine. I have like four different types of gel."

"No, you don't understand. I.." And then his lips start moving so quickly that I can't comprehend anything.

"Troye calm down. I didn't get a word you just said you're talking so fast." He takes a step closer and speaks slowly, but I don't pay attention to the words he says. Instead I realize something I should have when he walked in. He's naked, except for the towel that's hanging too low around his waist. A burning sensation fills my lower stomach as I stare at him and I feel sick. Is this what everyone calls lust? Because I would not mind him taking off that towel. He leans back and smiles nervously. Didn't he just strip to nothing in from of me yesterday? What's he so nervous about now?

"I'm going to call Sage and have her drop it off, if that's okay."

"Yeah," I say but I clear my throat and speak again, knowing that probably came out wrecked. "Yeah okay cool. Here." I hand him the clothes I had previously picked out for him and he takes them to the bathroom. I decide to go eat some food to distract myself from the uncomfortable tightness in my jeans. When I return to my room I find Troye fully dressed, his phone pressed to his ear. Right as I step into the threshold he hangs up, a blush covering his cheeks. Is he still embarrassed over the towel thing? He looks up at me.