There was never something there between us, only words and some sweet actions, but nothing else, no connecting souls or an easy friendship. Nothing, there was nothing, all our conversations were a desperate attempt of creating something that wasn't there. I wanted to believe there was something there because you were such a handsome and smart guy and we would fit perfectly, but we never did. We were like toxic, creating these mind games all of the time and walking on broken glass on your tiptoes, hoping we wouldn't get burned, guess I did. I had this fantasy of us, hoping somehow it would come true, but it never did, because there was nothing there between us than occasionally flirts, but nothing more. I fell in love with the way you made me feel, when you cared for me, but I didn't fall in love with you, your personality, something I even started to hate over the months. I thought I did, but I couldn't even think of one thing that I liked about you other than that you cared for me, which you didn't even do all the time. Admit it, we don't fit, we are like the bad combination of water and fire, or more like two explosive gasses that will blow up when they get in touch with each other. We don't fit, because there is nothing between us, no connection to keep us together. This doesn't mean that I didn't love you or cared for you, but was I really in love?
I realized something today in the shower at 10:00 pm. The droplets on the window slowly dripping, leaving a mark on the window, like you did on me. I realized that you don't know how to love, to really love a girl, because you never felt loved, not by your parents who left you alone at home everyday. You were, you still are, desperate for attention, for love and you try to find girls who will adore you, kiss the ground you walk on, but once they get too close, you'll leave them hanging. Not because you do not care, but because you don't want to care. You don't want them to have this power over you, to make you crumble, fall apart when they leave too. To tear you open, to expose you and let them see who you truly are. You don't want to, because you won't be able to handle it when someone else leaves you too, even when you showed every part of yourself and loved them with it. You are unstable, afraid, tired and desperate looking for love, but not finding it. I kind of feel sorry for you, that you still have the urge, the need to make your voice hearable, to be so obnoxious, just to let everyone know you are here, to get attention. I feel sorry for you, because no matter how hard you try to make a relationship work, it never does and never will. I used to feel sorry for myself, because you didn't love me when I loved you with all my heart, but now I know, you don't do love, you can't and you ignore the love around you, afraid that if you get used to it and it's suddenly gone, you won't be able to breathe again. And that's the most saddest thing in the world, somebody who can't love and feel loved in return.
