"Don't"
You looked me into the eye, challenging, and then you turned around and did it, you did the one thing you knew was going to hurt me, break me. It made me feel so small and so low about myself and I hated it, I hated how you could push my buttons like that. It was like you were trying to proof something, that I didn't affect you, that you didn't care, you didn't care that you went too far this time. I couldn't understand why you would do something like this, why'd you want to hurt me, but you did it anyways and it looked like it was easy for you, it looked like it was the most freeing thing you did. You laughed, you laughed and looked at me knowing you had won, you won.
I'd like to think it was jealousy that you acted that way, that you wanted to make him look ridiculous, that you wanted to know everything about my new lover. But maybe that's stupid to think that you were jealous, but it gave me hope, it gave me hope that you still cared at that point, that even though we didn't work out, we were still each other weakness, we still had the power to hurt each other. I'd like to think it was jealousy, because it makes me think there was still something there, that you had feelings, even though you never showed them to me. It gave me hope that behind all the coldness of you, that there was a heart and so much love, even though I never was able to break down that wall of yours, to get through the coldness. I'd like to think it was jealousy, because then it was real, we were real and it wasn't all in my head.
But if the excuse of jealousy was going to help you for that particularly event, it couldn't help you for all the other countless times when you purposely hurt me. Do you remember that time when all of our friends went out to eat something and I wasn't there because I was on holiday, but you were? And there was this boy I was having issues with or better said, he was having issues with me, because I couldn't care less at that moment of him. He started talking trash about me and you were sitting right next to him and instead of defending me, saying what he was saying was completely out of line, you ended up talking trash about me too. It's funny, because all of my friends were there and nobody stood up for me, except one person, my best friend, which is kind of sad considering I was longer friends with them than they were with you or him. Maybe it hurt me more that my friends were laughing about your jokes about me than you talking about me like that, because truthfully I could have expected that. You didn't really care about me, so why should it matter to you if you hurt me or not.
You told everyone I was someone you sat next to in class, nothing more. I couldn't even be classified as your friend, even though we hung out a thousand times and we laughed, we talked about things, we had fun. I couldn't understand why you would say that, because even when you never really cared about me in like a girlfriend kind of way, I at least expected you to care about me as a friend. Even after that time when you ignored me and we stopped flirting all together, we began hanging out again after a while as friends.
I had found out from my best friend what happened. I was hurt, beyond hurt and so angry at you. That after everything, you still had the nerve to talk about me like that. She told me that she was livid at that moment and she wanted to yell at you if it weren't for the fact that they were in a restaurant. She turned everyone silent by saying that you were acting like an asshole and that you were my friend, so you shouldn't talk like that. You gulped, because you didn't expect someone to confront you like that and you realized your mistake and said sorry, as if that could make this all better. You shouldn't have even said anything, but instead you did and when you get called out, you say sorry to the one who confronts you, not me, not the one who you actually did hurt.
There were other times when you made me feel like crap, when you made me feel so low about myself. That I wasn't worth anything, not even a glance from you. And when I got angry and finally confronted you with it, all you ever did say was sorry, but sorry doesn't mean anything to you. It's easy to say, five letters, one word. You never cared that you really hurt me. You thought that five letters could make these feelings of hurt go away, could make me forget, but it never did. They're still five letters that don't have any magic in them that could make feelings disappear.
Sorry wasn't going to help you make me feel any less hurt, you should have tried harder. You should have made these five letters true and show me in your actions instead of saying them. You should have given meaning to the word, you shouldn't throw it around carelessly, because then it loses his touch and meaning. Sorry wasn't going to fix it for you and maybe that's why, after a while I turned around and never looked back at you again.
Do you remember that time in Berlin with some friends? When we arrived we acted so close to each other, holding hands and laughing, but the next day you turned into this cold person and didn't look at me. You were only with that girl, acting so obnoxious and I felt so left out. Do you remember the morning after, when I was left alone in the hotel and I couldn't reach anyone? And when I saw you guys I got so angry and you acted like you couldn't care less, so I packed my bag and left without a goodbye, because at that point I couldn't care less about you. I never talked to you again, I ignored all your attempts and that was the moment I really was done with you. I realized that I couldn't put up with your crap anymore and feeling so hurt when you did all of these things. Even though I still felt hurt and somehow still thought about you, I moved on, because I needed to, I needed to do this for myself.
You lost me, you lost the one person that cared about you no matter you did. I was still there after all those countless times you made me feel like shit, made me feel worthless. But at one point, my patience is gone and the bucket is full. After a while I couldn't take it anymore so I left. You destroyed the one person that cared about you endlessly and made her leave on her own. That's sad.
