"Do you want to hang out sometime?"
I never experienced going on dates, my last relationship never was like that, never began with that, so when you asked that, I didn't know what to do. I was excited, thrilled, but in the back of my mind I was still worrying, because I didn't know you that well and how could I know if you wouldn't turn out like the last guy, someone who treated me like an option, someone who would call me up when he needed it. Someone who would purposely lead me on, but when I confronted him, he would deny it. I let it go on for about three years, trying to move on, but there he was holding me back. So when I got out of it, I swore I wouldn't go back there again. I knew myself and I knew I would fall easily. I was insecure and I needed acceptance, I needed someone who would make me feel beautiful. I didn't realize I didn't need a guy to be good enough, I didn't know that yet. So when you asked me out I knew I had to be careful right there and then, because I was one step away from falling hopelessly in love with you and maybe I was already falling, but I was still sure of myself that I had a choice, that I could break this thing of I had with you.
I answered yes, because I was sure I still had time to realize if you were playing or not. But when the next day on school you didn't talk to me, I got worried. Did you decided that you didn't like me anymore? You were giving me mixed signals, texting me, but ignoring me on school. I was sick of figuring out what you wanted, of constantly wondering if you still felt the same or not, wondering if I interpreted all of it wrong, everything you said and did. I promised myself I wouldn't go there, worrying, obsessing, getting my hopes up again. I knew how it would crush me.
So all of these mixed signals made me think you were playing me, especially when I heard everyone telling me different stories about you. I turned into a mess and believing every rumor, which I knew was wrong to do, but aren't rumors there for a reason? I waited for a sign, anything from you that could help wash all of these doubts away, but all you did was stay silent. So when I finally confronted you, you got mad. You said you didn't like mistrusting people, people who believed rumors. You said that I needed to forget the whole thing, because you didn't even want to go out with me anymore. And I got mad too, because how could I not be doubting someone, when there are so many bad stories about them. But at the same time I was so mad at myself for ruining a chance on going on a date with a nice guy. I was mad that somehow I ruined it again before you could even do it. I knew you would've ruined it, I always knew that in the back of my mind and maybe I was being self destructive and ruining it before it had even a chance. You never did anything wrong and I already was doubting you. I promised myself that I would never be such a insecure mess and ruin things before I gave someone a chance. I beat myself up for it what happened between us, so when we talked again and people were telling me things again or you were acting a bit weird, I let it go and maybe I shouldn't have. You shouldn't judge people on rumors, but should you trust them entirely?
