Leather, Love, and Lace*EDITING*

07. Sleep isn't for the broken

This part is going to deal with self harm and self loathing, as much as I want you to read my book if you can't handle this please don't read it. Or read it and DM it kik me(cammie_krueger) to talk.
*Carson's P.O.V*
         Dean laid in our bed drunk. He liked me, I knew that. But if someone better came along there's no reason for him to stay. I am nothing special.
          I told Dean I was okay, because it wasn't his job to try and fix me. He needed to fix himself, I was unimportant.
         I brought out my knife, and brought it to my still-swollen wrist. I watched the blood fall, at first it beaded up, but then it just ran down my arm like the tears.
It was my fault Luke was dead.
And my dad hated me.
I should've stopped Sam from going to college.
I should've made Dean talk to me more.
Told him he was important more.
Screwed up less on hunts.
Oh just face it, Carson, you screw up everything.
          I pulled myself over to the toilet before throwing up. I pulled myself off the bathroom floor and wrapped my wrists. I stood for a bit and looked in the mirror. By now my crying doesn't even involve sobs, just tears running down my face.
How could Dean even love me.
In fat
And ugly
And screw everything up. I must be the Winchester family charity case.
         I laid in bed and looked at Deans peaceful face, I loved him so much it hurt. By how could he possibly love me.
***
        When I heard Sam's alarm go off I shut my eyes and pretended to sleep.
"Hey, Carson." Sammy shook me and I pretended to roll over and stretch.
"Dean get up." Dean stood up and stretched.
"We better get on the road to get you back in time Sammy." Dean's voice was still groggy and hoarse, and to be honest it was sexy as hell.
          I put on my Alton high hoodie and a pair of jeans. I grabbed my duffel and headed to the impala, hearing the boys laugh as I walked on the pavement in just socks.
"Let's go!" I hollered at them from the car. As soon as we hit the open road I fell asleep.
***
*Dean's P.O.V*
          I watched as Sam walked up to the apartment door, Carson's hand found her way to mine, her long fingers lacing into mine.
"We're going to be okay." I reassured her.
"I hope so." It seems as if I had repeated that same sentence to her everyday for our entire life. Mostly because I had. That was our 'I love you' our 'always'. And that I hope so was magic to my ears 
          I was brought out of my thoughts to a door slamming, and Sam's screams. I followed Carson and sprinted inside, Sam met us right at the living room.
"She's gone, it's, it happened again." Sam kept mumbling and the flames kept rolling.
"Sammy, buddy, you have to calm down. Come on. Get we have to go outside." Carson's voice immediately calmed Sam down as he grabbed his bag and followed her outside. Carson had that-that effect. She did it as kids all the time, she had anxiety but could calm you down with a single sentence. Carson, was a contradiction, and I loved it.
"Okay, Sammy, what happened?" I asked, wondering why his apartment was in flames.
"It's Sam."
"Oh not with that shit again!"
*Carson's P.O.V*
"Jess she-she died the same way mom did."
          Dean stood there, at a loss for words, and for once in my life I was too. I pulled Sammy into a hug.
           We all slid into the impala, and drove away, it was just us. Again.
***
          We pulled into a motel about 3 am. I showered and threw on a flannel, one of Dean's. I laid down on the bed and began to doze off.
"Carson, Carson Rae!" I sat up at the sound of Dean's urgent whisper.
"Yea?" Deans arms found there way under me and picked me up(legs around waist)
"Dean what are you doing?" He didn't reply until we were in the bathroom, and he set me on the counter.
"Dean I'm 6 foot I could've wal-"
"Why didn't you tell me you weren't okay?"
"What are you talk-" he pulled up my sleeve and ran his thumb over my cuts.
"This Carson Rae, this is what I'm talking about."
"I just, how could you love me, I must be your charity case. I screw everything up and I'm unlov-"
"Stop that, stop that right now. That's your anxiety okay, you are convincing yourself no one likes you. Everyone loves you Cars. Please just come talk to me if you need anything-yell at me anything!"
"Why don't you ever talk to me Dean? Your so broken, and I can't help you, I should be able to help you."
"I just, I can't save everyone Carson. But what I need to do is save you and Sam."
I hid my head in Dean's neck. The door creaked and opened.
"Oh sorry I just had t- Carson....you. Just know I'm here." Sam shut the door and left us alone. I shook my head.
"You are going to be okay."
"I let down Sam, in supposed to be strong for him. I was-"
"WE are going to be okay."
"I hope so."
"I know so."
          I let Dean carry me to bed-he needed to be needed. I fell asleep. I was going to be okay, as much as I didn't believe it I repeated it until I fell asleep.
***
          I woke up and put on jeans and a maroon t-shirt.
"Hey, we're going to check out grab some food then head towards the Harvelle's"
"Alright, why out that way."
"They might know something about John." I added myself into the boys conversation.
*at the Harvelle's*
*Dean's P.O.V*
           Ellen had no idea where dad could be, we sat at the bar having a beer before turning in for the night, Jo continued to hit on me as usual. I laughed it off and kept on talking. Carson was in her notebook writing away. Probably some research. She went out by the impala. After 15 or so minutes, it started to get dark so I went to check on her.
"Carson?" I heard a sob and headed to the back o the impala, she sat on the ground, make up running down her face and a cigarette in her hand. I reached over and took it away, put it out on the pavement. She looked at me and clicked a bullet into the chamber.
"Carson what are you doing."
"It's fine, don't worry about me anymore. You can be with Jo." She raised the gun to her head and wiped her tears.
"I love you Dean Samuel Winchester, tell Sam I love him too, don't let him see me okay."
"Please don't do this Carson, please."
          She let out a shaky breath and squeezed the trigger a bit more.
"NO CARSON." I reached out and grabbed the gun from her hand.
"I can't do this anymore Dean, okay I'm sorry."
"You can do it, okay, for me. You can't leave me. I need you, if you quit I quit."
          Carson fell into my arms, sobbing. She finally calmed down and it was dark, she just kept taking notes deep breathes. She turned her head and looked up at the sky.
"I love you,"
*Carson's P.O.V*
", and we're going to be okay."
" I know." And for once I believed it."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>wow two updates in one day. Dayum. I'm feeling inspired. This was a loaded chapter. Pretty dark, it's up hill from here. Kind of. Love you guys hope you enjoy.