Everything That's Precious

Chapter Ten: My Sweet Release

1 month later, July

6 months pregnant

"Hey, Soph, how about this one?" Devon asked, holding up a yellow and green car seat.

Ah, baby shopping... just what I wished to be doing on sunny Saturday afternoon with my older sister. She insisted we go, which I didn't understand much because I didn't know the sex of the baby yet. I had been pushing it off, unsure if I wanted to know yet.

"It's cute, Dev, but I already told you I'm not deciding on anything until I know the sex," I replied.

"I know, but look at all this stuff! How can you not want to get something?"

"You'll understand someday, Devon, when you have a baby of your own. You'll understand why I want to wait to get things. I want it to be perfect, not just spur of the moment 'Let's get it because it's cute', you know?" I said, ranting a bit.

"I get it, Soph, jeez! Fine, I won't bother you about it anymore. Let's just go to lunch, okay?" she suggested.

"Okay, I guess we can," I mumbled in reply.

"Why so gloom? What? You don't want to go to lunch with me?" Devon questioned.

"Of course I do, I've just spent a lot of my time with you lately. I want to hang out with other people, too," I hesitantly said.

I had been spending way too much time with Devon, or Devon and her boyfriend, Nate, in the weeks since graduation. She was constantly trying to get me to do things with her, using the excuse that we only had so much time left to spend together before all my time was devoted to the baby. I think she was being ridiculous.

"More people? More people? Like who? Let me take a wild guess here, Soph! Jared, right? You know you two shouldn't even be dating! You're pregnant! He's not the father! What makes you think he's going to stick around after you give birth? He's not going to stay with you once you have a screaming baby who takes up all your time! Why don't you see it, Sophia?! Why?" Devon yelled at me while we were standing in the middle of the car seat display at Babies 'R' Us.

Everyone had turned their attention on me.

"Devon, I don't know what to say. I-I just don't know. Jared's not like that, he's a good guy. P-Please, can we talk about this somewhere else? Please?" I whispered/begged.

"You know what, Soph? I'm done with this bullshit. I love you, Sophia. I do, but I'm not going to stand around and watch you get hurt. Watch you allow it! Use you're brain for once! Open up your eyes an stop being so naive!"

Devon looked around at the crowd of pregnant woman that had suddenly surrounded us. All of them watched my humiliation, my embarrassment. And I found myself thinking, what made them so different? What made them better than me? And I soon as I thought those questions, I knew the answers.

1.) I was shopping with my older sister who, might I add, had just humiliated me in front of all these people. I was shopping with her instead of my husband because my baby's father didn't want us.

And 2.) Unlike the rest of the soon to be mothers surronding me, I was seventeen.

Devon's gaze landed on me, expecting an answer, but I couldn't give one. My throat was already closing, my eyes already watering. I turned and bolted as fast as my 6 months pregnant body would let me to the bathroom. I reached it just as I was about to crack. I locked the door behind me. Finally, I was alone.

I checked all the stalls to make sure no one would hear what I was about to do. All three stalls were empty. The humiliation Devon had just caused me had been the final break in my dam. The humiliation I had brought upon myself being the force to flood the waters over the broken edge. I screamed as loud as I could. Once. Twice. Thrice. Nothing, it didn't matter. No matter how hard I try, I couldn't cry. I just couldn't. I didn't have any tears left.

I looked long and hard at my broken expression in the mirror. My face was bright red and the front of my blouse was wrinkled. I turned the sink on, rinsed my face with cold water, fixed my blouse, and dried my face. Once I looked halfway decent, I unlocked the bathroom door and made my way through the department store, eyes on my black converse headed straight for the doors. I didn't bother to look for Devon, I already knew she's in the car waiting.

As soon as I was through the threshold of the store doors, I hurried across the lot as quickly as I could and climbed into the passenger's side of Devon's car. Devon continued to look straight out the windshield. She didn't turn to acknowledge me, just started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road. The rest of the ride home was spent in silence.

Devon was still putting the car in park, but I didn't care. My door was open and I was out. I ran into the house, up the stairs, and to my room. I locked the door behind me.

I didn't hold back any longer. I couldn't hold back any longer. I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed. I screamed. I screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed bloody murder. I screamed louder than I ever had before, louder than I had in the department store restroom.

Still screaming, I started to throw things around my room: my soccer trophy from when I was twelve, my alarm clock. I ripped my sock drawer from my dresser. I pulled down the canopy from above my bed. I yanked all the clothes from their hangers inside my closet. I continued to scream. I continued to throw things. No one came to stop me.

I didn't know how much time had passed. Minutes, maybe hours, but I finally stopped. I stopped in the middle of my now destroyed room. Everything was everywhere. I laid on my bed and clutched my stomach and held onto my baby for dear life. And finally, as though I hadn't struggled to before, I cried. I cried even though I had thought I didn't have a single tear left.

I didn't know how to releave myself from this pain. I closed my eyes. I thought. What would make it better? The answer came to me almost instantly.

Jared's smiling face blinked into my thoughts. He looked as always: smiling, blonde hair in disarray, scar slightly noticeable, blue eyes gleaming. And in that moment I knew what I must do for at least a temporary release of my pain. I grabbed my cellphone from the floor where I had thrown it. Luckily, it wasn't broken. I dialed Jared's number and he answered on the third ring.

"Hey, Sophia, what's going on?" he said in that deep voice like music.

I went to lie to him, to tell him 'nothing much', but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I spilled my guts.

"I d-don't know wh-what to d-do anymore," I cried, "I feel s-so l-lost."

I told him everything. About shopping with Devon, arguing with Devon, the things she said about him, about the other pregnant women watching and staring. I told him about my humiliation and my embarrassment. The bathroom, the walk to the car, the ride home. My temper-tantrum. My pain. Everything. Jared never once interrupted me. He listened, and at the perfect moment he said:

"I'm going to be honest here, Sophia. Devon is right about one thing. We shouldn't be dating. I mean you're pregnant, I'm not the father, bottom line. But I'm also going to be honest and say I don't care. I want to be with you. You're smart, beautiful, funny, and literally full of life. And I like you like you. Temper-tantrums, other man's baby, nosy sister and all. I like you, Sophia Natalia, and I'm not walking away. I'm not giving up. I promise. You mean more to me than walking away. Much more."

I was silent for a few minutes, taking in the words he had just said.

"Thank you, Jared, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say those things," I finally muttered.

"I mean every word, Sophia. And you know what? Whenever the pain becomes unbearable, just imagine me smiling. My face is the best kind of medicine there is," he joked.

Boy, did he have no idea, but I didn't tell him that. However, I promised him I would because I knew it was a promise that wouldn't be broken. Then, I let him talk and talk and talk. And I listened. I let Jared's voice calm me. I ran my hands along my belly. I let his deep baratone voice calm us. My child and I. I let him take away my pain and my humiliation. I let Jared be my release for the moment, just like I would probably let him be my release for many more moments. My sweet, sweet release.

I fell asleep a little while later to the sound of Jared singing "Old McDonald Had A Farm". And as a listened to my sweet release sing, I wondered how did we possibly get on the topic of Old McDonald? Ha! With Jared, no one ever knows.