A slow fall

Chapter 35 - Caleb

    Time moves weirdly. Sometimes I'm not even sure what day we're on. 

I had my check-in days ago, but the memory was still so vivid and their praises so loud and things were going well even though I was still so wrong wrong wrong. They were happy with me; I was doing something right. We followed the usual routine, a chat, prayers, but nothing more happened. My comments the night of the meal seemed to placate everyone.

I thought that would make me feel good, but I just felt nothing. I woke up when my phone told me to, I went to school as was expected, and when my friends came over to me I smiled as if I felt something. As if I was right.

We laughed and joked and I couldn't recount a single conversation that was had.

Lucas rang me when the sky turned dark and I hid under the covers of my bed. For a while I felt better, human, and sleep, though fleeting, came easier.

He was the only person I answered my phone to, a consistent comfort I couldn't let go of. I knew my brothers wanted to talk to me, I could see their names pop up on my screen every now and then, but I didn't have the energy to act around them as well. So I ignored my phone ringing and pretended the guilt wasn't consuming me.

Sunday arrived faster than I expected. That was a day I knew for certainty because Sunday meant mass.

Suddenly I was being ushered to church and I barely tempered getting home on Friday. My weekend had slipped through my grasp without me even knowing.

Faith came up to me after the service finished, a wide smile on her face as if we'd been friends for years. She was a harsh reminder of things I was trying to forget, but I smiled anyway.

"I'm sure we agreed on going for a hot chocolate?"

"Right now?" I didn't think my social battery was up for that. I hadn't spent time with Shane or Marcus outside of school all week either. I wasn't good company anymore.

I hadn't been for a while.

"No time like the present. If you want to, obviously?"

I said yes. How wrong was it of me to question whether everything she's been doing was a trick? But those thoughts lingered heavy in my mind and every word she spoke was analysed three times over. What if she said something to her parents? What if the congregation realised what i'd done and shamed me as well?

I was doing better. Maybe if I kept telling myself that I would be true.

"Lovely, let me tell my parents."

"I should let mine know as well."

"Meet you outside the door?" I nodded in agreement before scouring the room for my wandering parents.

They had moved to the side, stood with some people I recognised, Joe and his parents a part of the group.

"Hi," I butted in when there was space in the conversation, "is it okay if I go to the cafe with Faith?"

Mom smiled at me before leaning closer, her voice dropping to a whisper as she asked, "is it a date?"

My hand moved to one of the burn marks on my arm without much thought. I pushed against it, heat rippling through my veins, and suddenly it was easier to think. To focus on the important and not the constant swirl of thoughts in my head.

"Just as friend's mom." I left my tone light, the sound of an exasperated teen who found amusement in his mom's teasing. Not a boy who felt sick at the thought of the suggestion, but the alternative couldn't even be touched upon.

Normal teenage boys didn't feel like this. They would jump at the chance to go on a date with a girl like Faith. Someone smart and funny and kind. It was another reason I knew something was wrong with me, even if I kept telling myself I was better.