The Secret To New York (Boyxboy)

Chapter seven-Date night (part two)

Chapter 7-Date night (part two)

I couldn't tell you what the movie was about because Shane and I were in the very back whispering and laughing the whole time. We'd come to a conclusion: I wasn't gay, I was questioning. Or whatever Shane said. He told me that I wasn't allowed to be straight, because that would ruin or friendship. I highly doubted that, but, he believed in that statement very strongly.

We were walking down the sidewalk because Shane said he had to show me something. I fought him on it, but he dragged me. "Why are we walking? You have a fucking car, and it's like 2 degrees out here." He laughed and kept pulling me. "We can't drive there, it will be fun, I promise." He reassured. "Said the rapist." I whispered. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, yet again. It was getting quite comfortable, actually. "Do you want me to feed you?" he asked in a matter-of-fact tone. I shook my head vigorously. "No." I whispered. I didn't want to fake another meal. I didn't want to throw up tonight, and I know that if I ate after that butter incident, that I'd throw up.

He looked at me. "I don't know, I think I should." He said. Sighing, I pushed him from me. "No means no." I told him. "But...Why?" Shane asked me. Ignoring the hurt tone in his voice, I walked ahead of him on the sidewalk, stuffing my hands into my pockets. After a while, he pulled me back and stopped walking. "Don't leave me hanging." He said. I just shook my head. "You wouldn't understand." I told him, sighing. "Try me." Was his only answer. But I couldn't. I couldn't tell him. He wouldn't understand, nobody does. "Zander, I told you I was gay, which was frightening, but if you...can't eat for some reason, that's even more frightening, so... just tell me, or I'll guess."

I sniffed and looked up at him briefly. He actually looked serious. Shane being serious wasn't one of those things I thought I'd even really get the chance to see. "Um... I have this thing." I whispered, leaning closer to him, and his arms were around me awkwardly, but it was a little better than standing at a distance. "It started almost five years ago. Um... I used to get teased and bullied at school. They called me fat. They pushed me in the halls and told me I was useless basically, so I stopped eating. All at once. And then, when I did eat, I'd feel so guilty because I was fat, and I didn't need to eat, I was just greedy. So, I started purging. Uh...now I can't stop it. And last week I was really hungry, and I went home and I... I fucking ate butter... and butter is really fattening so.... I can't eat this week."

Shane was quiet, walking with his arms around me. I cussed myself out in my mind. Why had I said that to him? But, he pushed me into a shallow alley, and once I was up against the wall, I saw his expression. "A-are you okay?" I asked him. He didn't look okay. He shook his head. "Are you okay?" I looked down. "Um, no, but I'm used to it by now." He shook his head, like he was trying to shake off whatever upset him, but he just covered his face with his hands. "God dammit, kid, an eating disorder?" I nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that." I whispered. I didn't like how much I upset him. "I mean I don't even know what I thought it was, I just thought you were fucking scrawny, I didn't think.... But it makes sense now because you never ate. And... you're so tiny..." He was looking at me with an almost pleading expression.

I looked away from him. "Zander, you need to eat," He told me. I nodded. "Yeah, if I want to be fatter." I whispered. He shook his head. "No, you're not fucking fat, alright? You're fucking skin and bones! You know that, don't you? You see it, right?" I shook my head. "No! I fucking don't. I really don't see what everyone else thinks they see. It's fucking pitiful of me, I know, but Shane, I'm fat, and I need to be skinny. I need it. I need to feel my bones. I have to." He was shaking his head. "Don't... no, don't say that. You don't need that shit, please just stop thinking like that, you're not fat. You're not; you're the farthest from it. You've reached your goal. Now stop it."

"I can't!" I shout at him, tears pooling over. "I fucking can't stop! I don't want to! I'm fine! I'm okay with dying, as long as I'm not fat. I can't be fat. I know it's not healthy and people look down on me for it, and I know that I'm not helping myself, but I won't know how to unless I take up less room sitting down, or I can fucking only take up a fourth of my bed, and until I'm the fucking smallest person, I just can't stop, I can't." I know I was yelling at him, but I couldn't stop it.

When his arms slide around my waist, though, and he was shaking, I felt so fucking guilty. As his hand trailed up my back, feeling my spine through my jacket, I felt like shit. I hugged him back, crying with him. "Promise me you'll try. You'll try to eat. I can't... You can't just stop eating." I sobbed into his shoulder. "I wish I could," I said in-between sobs. He pulled away from me, holding onto my shoulders. He had tear stained cheeks, but he wasn't crying anymore. "I'll help you." He whispered. I shook my head. "You'll give up."

"No I won't." He said confidently, and I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. He was dragging me off down the street before I could respond, holding me close to him. "Let's go. I'm showing you something, remember?" He said, wiping his cheeks with his free hand. Sighing, I tried to stop crying.

***

"Wait, but what is this place?" I asked him. Shane shrugged, pulling a strand of my hair. I swat his hand away. "Are we allowed to be here?" I asked him. When he shrugged again, I wanted to punch him. "Shane!" I hissed at him, and he laughed. "What?!" He said, raising his eyebrows. "You are going to get us in trouble." I told him, starting to get up, but he pulled me back down. "I won't. Sit next to me. It's romantic." Rolling my eyes I sat back down, putting my legs on his shins. "I'm not gay," I told him, getting tired of using it as an excuse whenever he sort of came onto me.

He nodded. "Sure."

I looked up at the dark sky. Not a single fucking star up in the sky. It was unnerving to see. Shane told me that it was because there were so many lights in the city; it made the stars almost invisible to the human eye. He told me he came here to think sometimes. It was down a path in a park he'd walked me to. We'd walked through a dark forest for about ten minutes to find an old white gazebo. The top of it had a hole in it, and you could see the sky. I had to admit though, with the moon shining down, it was pretty.

Shane poked me face. "What?" I whispered, turning towards him. "You were ignoring me," he said. "Because you're annoying," I half-heartedly shot at him. He grinned. "But, I was saying that it's getting late and we need to find my car." I laughed. "You don't know where your car is?" He shook his head. "No, I forgot where I parked it." He stood up, holding a hand out for me. I grabbed his hand and he pulled me up, wrapping his arm around my waist." Idiot," I whispered to him. He looked at me, smiling.

"Don't be a cunt."

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