For Our Eyes Only

13- Mind Wandering

Louis stayed for a little while into the New Year, but he did end up having to go home eventually. Harry was about to announce his first album, which did mean he was getting pretty busy. He had stayed over a month now anyway, which was probably plenty. It did felt pretty odd sleeping in his own bed again though, let alone being alone in his own flat.

Louis tried not to spend too much time dwelling on how quiet it was.

Instead he did other things. For one, he visited Freddie as often as he could. The little guy had grown up a lot lately, and it was hard to believe that he was already a year old. Louis loved Freddie so much, and wildly enough the latter was starting to resemble his father a lot.

And then of course there was his music. He spent most of his time writing, just like he did in the band. Writing had always been one of his best outlets for things. even when he had a hard time putting his emotions into words.

He still found himself adjusting to writing songs that meant something to him, not just vague romance stories and the occasional prompts fed to him from management. There were a good handful of songs from the band days that he felt very connected to, but considering how many he wrote it was a small number.

Louis set down his pencil and yawned. He stretched, leaning back in his chair in an attempt to crack his back. Relaxing again, he drank the last of his tea before standing up and going over to the sink and setting the empty mug in.

Only two plates, the mug, a pan, and a handful of silverware was in the sink. Normally he'd probably leave it, let it pile up a little more before he could be bothered to do the washing up.

This time however he turned the tap on and started running some hot water. Why not, he figured. Maybe in 2017 he would make better habits.

After he had not only washed his dishes but also put them away, Louis went into his bedroom to grab clean boxers and a sleep shirt to change into after his shower. He debated on going and putting away the notebook he had been writing in, but decided he'd leave it as he'd be back to writing in the morning.

After he had showered, brushed his teeth, and gone through his usual routine Louis finally pulled the shirt over his head as he headed towards his bed. It was still a little too cold this early in the year to be sleeping shirtless unfortunately.

He crawled into bed and made himself comfortable. Louis sighed as he did so, trying to allow his body to relax.

It should've been the perfect environment to sleep really. It was dark, quiet, warm, and Louis was incredibly tired. Yet, something was not quite right.

Louis rolled over after some time, mildly annoyed. He wondered if he was trying too hard to sleep. He let his mind wander, hoping to slip into sleep that way.

He found himself thinking about having spent the majority of December with Harry. He thought about how kind Harry had been to let him stay. How even after everything Harry had still shown up and held him when it mattered.

Louis allowed himself to remember Harry holding him. Large, warm hands placed on Louis' back and head, rubbing gently.

He tilted his head up to face Harry now, blue eyes meeting green. Sliding his hands down to the other's hips for balance, he carefully stood on tiptoe to reach the other, finding Harry's lips and connecting them with his own.

It was so warm, he felt in that moment that even in spite of it all that everything would be okay.

Louis jolted awake, breathing hard and sweating. Daylight was just beginning to peak through the curtains, painting everything in the bedroom to have a warm, golden tint.

Louis felt an incredible amount of guilt. Why he had dreamt that he was not even sure. His mind had taken a small part of the memory of his recent stay with Harry and had merged it with their past. He was disgusted with himself, nausea overcoming him on top of the guilt.

He worked very hard to keep his mind from wandering, to allow himself to have thoughts like that was breaking a large boundary that he had set for himself. And yet, some subconscious part of his mind had broken his boundary anyway.

Louis went to the bathroom and threw up. Something must be wrong with him, he thought. In his mind, he was supposed to like girls. Nothing wrong with boys liking boys, Louis just knew he was not allowed to. To do so would merely bring up previous issues.

Louis managed to lay back down again after he had finished, but there was no sleeping. Instead he curled in on himself and simply cried. In that moment Louis felt so incredibly small and helpless. He wondered if staying with Harry had been a mistake, if he was only reopening old wounds. His heart ached, and he didn't even know exactly why. He was so disgusted with himself, yet something deep down inside of him sort of wished that dream had been real.

-

Finally towards the middle of the afternoon Louis forced himself out of bed. He had stopped crying hours before, but had only really had the energy to lay and doom-scroll in order to avoid his problems.

Louis sighed sadly as he set his instant noodles on the table next to his notebook he had left open the night before. He ate solemnly, doodling mindlessly in the margins of his notebook.

Admittedly, as much as he had done his due diligence to move on from his past, to start fresh and leave what he could behind, Louis was still quite fond of Harry.

Louis gave in to that thought and let his mind wander. Only a little, but still. A lot had changed in the months since One Direction. He himself had sort of been wandering like a lost puppy while Harry, and surely the others, had been far more focused on getting music done. Yet, all things considered, the Harry that Louis had loved what felt like so long ago was still the Harry he knew now. He had broken his heart, yes, but he was still Harry after all. And, in all honesty, Louis knew that it was probably for the better, that this new chapter of his life was all thanks to the band days.

Sighing, Louis flipped the page in his notebook. If he was going to explore these thoughts of his he might as well get some song writing in.

The day you walked away and took the higher ground
Was the day that I became the man that I am now
But these high walls, they come up short
Now I stand taller than them all
These high walls never broke my soul
And I, I watched them all come fallin' down
I watched them all come fallin' down for you, for you

I looked you in the eyes, saw that I was lost

The last line didn't make that much sense with the rest of it, but maybe some combination of all that could be combined with something else he had written. Right now though, Louis' brain was tired. It took him an hour of erasing and rewriting to get that little bit the way he wanted it, and even then he wasn't sure that he was happy with it. On top of it all, he had definitely been stuck in his head too much today.

Nothing a bit of evening football couldn't fix to be fair.