Colors

XII : White

Day by day passed. I spent most of my times locking myself inside of my room. I refused to meet people outside my family, I refused going to school. Even so, I self-studied and did my school assignments at home. No matter how broken and dead I feel inside, I do not want to waste my parents' effort in affording me education. I stayed home because it was my way of boycotting life. I just can't accept the fact that the world is going on perfectly fine without Jimin.

I tried painting, but all I did was stare at the blank canvas and felt contained about it.

I had really stopped crying in my consciousness. But every single night I get dreams about Jimin and cried in my sleep. I decided that I'd rather not sleep than to get reminded about him. But only sleeping for two to three hours a day made my health condition drop. My mom got concerned about it. I of course, couldn't tell her that I'm hurting myself out of my own will. I told her that I couldn't sleep instead, resulting in she taking me to go meet a doctor. The doctor gave me a vial full of sleeping pills, which I had never touched because I had always known how to go back to sleep. It's just that I do not want to.

Quite a lot of friends at school texted me, but I never knew if it was to show that they care, or because they do care. I never responded to any of it. Once in a while, Jin oppa would call me too. But I never answered any of his calls. My phone log showed that the last call I made was with "Dumb Dino" on March 20th, 11:04 p.m.

Stupid Park Jimin. Saying out loud that he ought to mark March 20th as the first time I went on a date, but then making me mark March 20th as the day I lost him.

After being locked up and losing contact with the world outside me for almost two months, on one Friday evening the doorbell rang for me. My mom had opened the door for Kim Namjoon, Kim Seokjin, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Kim Taehyung, and Jeon Jungkook to come in. I refused seeing them at first. But they had not left even though I had kept them waiting for more than two hours. Nighttime was starting to fall and I felt bad for them. I finally took a deep breath and went downstairs to meet them.

"Hello, Jinhee-yah." I was greeted by the voice of Jin oppa the moment I stepped in the living room. They had stood up from the sofas and gave me nervous smiles, all six but Jeon Jungkook who kept staring at the ground.

I can't help but feel the lack of Jimin's presence between them. But even though I felt slightly uncomfortable, I stayed with them. The rest of the visit was them trying to converse with me. They told me of how they and people at school missed me, they also told me some of the hilarious moments I missed at school. They managed to make me smile and even laughed a bit at their stories.

"I mean seriously, you gotta see Mrs. Oh's face when she saw Taehyung running around the soccer field with a toilet seat dangling on his neck." Hoseok held his tummy as it hurts from too much laughter.

"If only I had never agreed to Yoongi's bet." Taehyung covered his face with his hands and shook his head in shame. As the boys laughed at Taehyung, I simply smiled.

The laughters died and the situation suddenly became silent, but then Jin oppa broke it off by saying "Jinhee-yah, we really miss you."

"Yeah, come back to school." Namjoon added.

One by one they started saying things to me, begging me to come back to school. I recognized that Jungkook was silent the whole time the others was talking. I then remembered that he was the only one who knew I liked Jimin, moreover, he was the one who made me realize I liked Jimin. His eyes showed a glint of nervousness each time my stare passed them, and his mind looked like it was pondering somewhere else.

"We'll all be nice to you, right Jungkook?" Yoongi said.

Jungkook stayed silent and kept staring blankly into the carpeted floor of my living room.

"Jungkook?" Taehyung waved his hand in front of his eyes, bringing him back to his senses.

"Huh?" Jungkook finally answered. "O-Of course," he continued.

I realized that I actually enjoyed their company and missed going outside. After debating with my own thoughts I came to the conclusion that I'm going to go back to school starting Monday. It was getting late and the boys left. My mom thanked them for visiting me and keeping me company the evening. I went back to my room and spent the rest of the weekend bracing myself to finally return to the building, the building that holds even more memories of Park Jimin.

I thought that everything was going on smoothly, but then reality came slapping me right on the face. The moment I stepped out my house, my feet automatically headed for Jimin's house.

Five steps.

Five steps towards the direction of his house, then I remembered the ugly truth.

All I did next was stare blankly on the paved road. Memories started to seep back into my mind, but thankfully it was stopped by the voice of my father. He had seen me standing outside the house doing absolutely nothing and suggested that he should drive me to school.

I stayed quiet the whole ride and stared to the streets the way I used to stare out the window during bus rides with Jimin. He finally dropped me in front of my school's gate, my father wished me good luck on my first day back to school. I thanked him and bid him goodbye. I gazed into the building in front of me and thought heard someone calling my name.

It was Woo Hyerim, one of my girl friends. She welcomed me back to school and then accompanied me walking to our classroom. I sat on my desk and saw the empty desk in front of mine, which of course belonged to Jimin. Classes had not began as the morning bell had not rang. A few friends greeted me, all of them being a little awkward. Jungkook and his friends came entering the classroom one by one. They swarmed my desk and welcomed me back to school, but then Jungkook went right back to his seat after doing so. Namjoon stayed a bit longer than everyone and had a little talk with me.

"Hello Lee Jinhee, nice having you back in the classroom." his dimples were showing as he smiled.

"Hi Kim Namjoon, it's because I missed the class president."

He let out a small laugh with his deep-toned voice at my remark before continuing, "Actually, I have to talk to you about something."

"What about?"

"Regarding Jungkook," he paused and decreased the volume of his voice "He told me what happened at your date."

Memories of that night flashed in my mind, memories of Jeon Jungkook telling me that I should be with Jimin flashed in my mind, the angry pain I've suppressed came along with the flashbacks. I stared at the desk in front of me, not giving Namjoon any answer.

"H-hey listen, I'm sorry." Namjoon said in an apologetic tone.

I sighed and looked at him "No, I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty."

"So.." he cleared his throat, "He told me everything he said that night to you."

I gulped. "Then?"

"The reason he has been all quiet towards you was because.. he told me he felt very sorry. He didn't dare speak to you after all he said that night. He thinks he's responsible for the pain and sorrow you felt."

I stayed silent at Namjoon's explanation.

It's true, I wanted to blame Jungkook for making me realize my feelings for Jimin. I wanted at least someone to blame for all the pain I had to endure. But then I realized that Jungkook had no idea of what would happen to Jimin on that very day, and that all he wanted was for all of us to be happy.

"He didn't have to," I exhaled a long breath and continued, "he did nothing wrong, really."

Namjoon then smiled at me.

"Lee Jinhee."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for being so kind.."

The school's bell suddenly rang and broke off our conversation. He waved me bye and returned to his seat. I watched my homeroom teacher enter the classroom.

I spent the rest of the day at school trying to focus on my studies, but most of the time I was struggling to get used having no Jimin near me.

That, was Monday.

Today, which is the present, is Wednesday.