Colors

XXXVII : Red (Part 1)

His eyes meeting mine, he said, "You know very well, the fact that I'm dead."

The sentence pierced through my chest like a blade.

I wanted to smack his arm and scold him for joking about death, but I can't. I wanted to keep lying to myself and shower myself with delusions of Jimin being with me forever, but I can't.

As much as I wanted to not believe in what he said,

I believed.

A side of my heart kept screaming that I knew what he said was true. It felt as if a voice inside of me was mocking me for how stupid I am to believe that Jimin would never leave me again. Tears came back to my eyes and waited no longer to flow right out.

I walked away backwards from him, I felt my legs losing its power and each step I took shaking.

"But why? H-how?" my voice came out as a small whimper between my sobs.

Jimin gave me no answer as he was still standing there frozen, staring at the ground with his eyebrows furrowed.

I kept letting my steps drift us away. But my legs that were getting weaker each second and a sudden pang in my head caused me to trip and fall backwards sitting. I winced from the pain and bet that I've never looked this stupid in my whole life.

Hearing the thud, Jimin's eyes shot up towards me. He ran to me right away and held my elbows, as if he was about to help me stand up. But that didn't happen as I kept crying.

"How are you here?" I asked weakly, staring at the writings at his jacket.

Again, he didn't answer.

"How?!" I asked in a louder voice and hit his chest.

But there was still no answer coming out from him.

"I SAID HOW! ANSWER ME MEONGCHEONG-AH*!" I kept hitting his chest repeatedly, my vision getting blurred by my own tears.

But then I felt his hands that were gripping on my elbows shaking. Another sobbing was heard among mine. I looked up to his face and harshly wiped my tears with the sleeves of my shirt, trying to see better.

Then, I saw him crying.

His eyes was closed shut and his teeth was gritting. Tears were running out from his eyes like crazy. My heart felt even more pained seeing that side of him, the blade puncturing deeper and deeper inside my chest. Emotions exploded inside me, getting so mixed up I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel.

"Why did you have to do......that in the first place? You felt hopeless? Thought you had nobody? Then," I took a deep breath "What about me?" I weakly grabbed his jacket with two hands.

"What. About. Me?" I asked once again, putting pressure to each word.

"I-i..." he said, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, I shouldn-"

The sight of him speaking like that was too painful for me, a surge of guilt and pity attacked me so hard. So hard, that it made me stop his faltering by throwing my hands around him and hugging him tight. I know that the word pity might made it sound pathetic.

But isn't that how we are? Pathetic?

"No, don't apologize, you poor thing.. Was I bad? W-was I not enough for you? It must be my fault," I held him even tighter as my tears streamed down to his shoulder.

"No, Lee Jinhee. No it was not, and it will never be."

"It's because... I'm stupid," he spoke in a small voice.