Bizzle imagines

40. Who am i? (Sad,cute)

Not everyone experiences this in their life. Not everyone gets a miracle or a dream come true. And not everyone gets a happy ending.

But it happens, and it's life.

It is a sad thing to lose a loved one, but even worse to lose yourself. It's when you forget who you are and can't seem to actually grow a liking or dislike towards something. Or you forget what used to make you happy.

I, personally can't remember how to genuinely smile. Like with the crinkles by your eyes, cheeks hurting, eyebrows crunched grin.

Not everyone experiences depression.

Is it common? Yes, but some escape the dark pit.

I can't seem too. I tried and landed myself in the mental ward of the hospital.

Now supposedly, I'm not only depressed and suicidal, I'm schizophrenic. At first, I thought voices in your head were "normal". But, I noticed the stares. People thought something was wrong with me when I didn't know all along.

My own family watched in fear as I talked to the rocking chair in the living room. Except, I didn't see a rocking chair, I saw my thoughts, I saw the voice, I saw a person. I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't control it.

Some days, the voice is beautiful and calm. It's like pure ecstasy, to be able to go into my own world.

But other days, the voice is horrid and rushed. "Do this. Do that. You're so stupid. Why are you alive? Grab the knife. I dare you".

Who wants to live with that? If I could shut it off I would, I promise. I never want to scare others, I'm actually a very nice person. It's just the crazy thoughts in my head that drive me mad.

I look around this hospital floor and think, "where am I?" This isn't right. It's liked I'm a caged animal, fed pills daily, and talked to by a person with a clipboard weekly.

But, my family say this is the safest option. I'm too much of a "hassle".

Like I said, if there was a switch, I'd never turn the voices back on again. I will admit that the pills seem to tone them down. But I do have my episodes where I'm back in my own world, pacing the halls.

And the voices aren't so pushy anymore and when I do take actions I can't seem to find anything to soothe the need of pain. It's frustrating at times but then I reflect and think.

I think about a person. A person on the floor.

A blonde haired boy by the name of Justin Bieber.

He was emitted a week after me for bi polar disorder. And so, he doesn't get voices in his brain but his personality can switch in an instant.

He's much better lately though. Or at least, he's the calmest when with me. We just clicked as soon as our eyes met.

I'm not one to confidently strut up to anyone and so he came to me. It was at lunchtime and I sat by myself like usual, staring out the window. It was a rainy day and only one tree swayed in my view, the rest just the hospital parking lot.

He dropped his plate beside me and sat down. "Mind if I sit with you?" He asked in a deep voice that was laced with frustration.

Why would he ask such a thing if he was already sitting?

Nobody sat with me and so it was almost uncomfortable to be with someone. None the less, a boy.

Once I got a good look at him, he surprised me by how attractive he was. With golden hazel eyes, ruffled hair, pouted lips, and chiseled jaw, he stared back at me.