A Little Bit Stronger

Chapter Six

     I gathered my strength and walked over the the mirror. I looked like I had been in a fight and lost. Fearing what was on my legs I slowly pealed off my sweatpants, almost crying out at the pain. The burns left behind were terrible, most likely needing medical attention that I knew they were not going to get.  Reaching into my desk I grabbed the first aid kit I kept. I felt my hand brush up against the other box I kept hidden away. It had been so long since I had given in.

    I looked down to where the many, now fading, scares covered my arms. I reached for the box and moved to my bed. Once I was sitting comfortably I opened the box slowly. I looked down at the familiar razors that I had tried so hard to push away. I ran my fingers over each of them, deciding which to use. Finally pulling one out I slowly rolled up the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I hesitated for a minute deciding if I really wanted to throw away my clean run. That was when I heard the yelling in my head. Replays of every nasty thing that anyone has ever said to me.

     Without any more hesitation I dragged the razor over my wrist. Again and again, not stopping long enough to wipe up the blood running down my arm and onto my bed. I quit counting how many slashes I had made and I only stopped when there was no place on either wrist not covered in fresh blood. I dropped the razor to the ground and let out a quivering breath. Tears streamed out of my eyes and down my cheeks, mixing with the blood as they fell.

     I got into the shower and whimpered as the hot water touched my now gashed arms. The sting from both the fresh cuts and the burns from earlier was nearly unbearable. I cried and cried. I let out all of the tears of anger and pain, betrayal and sadness, grief and longing, but mostly I cried tears of loneliness. I didn't want to be this way anymore. I wanted someone to take care of me for once. This wasn't what I wanted anymore, I don't believe it ever was. I was just too afraid to be hurt again that I decided to block everyone else out.

     I walked back to my room and tore the stained sheets off of my bed. I made the decision then that I was going to let Parker in. I was going to run blindly into him and I would let myself fall. I clasped onto my floor and wept again. This time tears of relief. For once in my life I wasn't going to be alone and I was looking forward to that idea. I put on a new sweatshirt and yoga pants and layed down. I pulled the covers over my head and hoped that tonight my mind would wander to the sweet smile of Parker and not the usual demons that it plagues me with.

     I will change myself and it will be for the better. I promised myself then and there. I walked myself through what the next phase of my life will be like, until I drifted off into a peaceful sleep. The first one in forever.