Silent Screams

Poem 24

You told me I worry too much about what other people think of me
But wouldn't you worry too if that's what almost killed you?
People and their words are what rule my life
Despite the fact that I should forgive myself and let it go.
I can't find the strength I need to accept who I am
Or the courage to start figuring out if I'm slightly okay.
I worry if you think I'm doing it all for attention
Because there's so much I haven't told you or ever will.
And I remember last year, I had the same situation
And I ruined that friendship too, my enthusiasm too strong.
Distancing myself a little would be healthy
And yet I've given you this persona that I have to keep up.
I'm not happy all the time and last year was my hell
And maybe you know that or at least think it could've been.
I've hinted at it a few times, saying it was interesting
Or that it was the year a hurricane moved in.
My eyes express so much you can not see, simply because I won't let you
And I fear you're on your way to figuring me out.
Figuring out that my eyes give it all away, my tell tale sign
And understanding that "I'm fine" means nothing.
You said my eyes were expressive and that I know
But do you know the emotions behind them?
And I can't help but wonder if you read that bit of poetry
That touched on my horrible mind where monsters roam.
I would love to send you this poem so you could understand
But I fear if I do, you'll run away like the rest of them.
Even my best friend wouldn't take my side this summer
And I could only rely on myself to ensure happiness.
I fear you'll never understand and only see my mask
But I fear if you figure it out, you'll pity me.
I don't string words together for you, but for me
So I can understand what I really need to say to you.
I know this might never make its way to you
And perhaps that is the best thing for our friendship.
You have your issues and imposing mine on you isn't fair
Though you could complain to me and I would fix it.
I want you to know how horribly broken I am
But I don't want you to try and fix me, just to understand.
My words I give to you to help you become better,
Are strung together by the same voice that tears me down.