Quotes

Joan Rivers

an actress.comedian. writer. producer. television host. thx wiki. (1933-2014)

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor 

 I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

 I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. 

 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

  I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

  You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. 

 I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

  I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.