The sound of your heart beating

"It's a phase"

After school I walked home alone since Caley had gymnastics practice at 2:30.

It was raining a bit but I didn't let it bother me. I loved the rain.

I got on the staircase and paused. "Oh fuck off!" I heard shouting in the house.

Shit.

I hesitate before going inside. I closed the door behind me. Mom was yelling over to my step dad.

"I'm not fucking dumb Dany. I know she was there!" She yelled.

I tried going past them unnoticed, but it was impossible.

"Maya!" Mom said. I frozed. "Maya! I am talking to you!" She raised her voice.

"Yes ma?" I said turning to face her pail face.

"Come do the god dam dishes!" She said angry. I sighed and put my book bag down by the table.

I tied my hair up and let the water run for a bit.

Mom and Dany continued fighting in the hall. She was yelling he was yelling.

Mom always turned her anger and frustration towards me when she was pissed about something else.

It's been that way since my dad left when I was 6.

My brother left with him. So I'm the only one she can yell at when Dany my step dad isn't here or when she needs to let go of some steam.

I think I've yelled back once at Her. I regretted it.

She slapped me. Hard. I never yelled back I just did what she asked me to do. I didn't complain or asked questions.

After I was done the dishes I went up to my room when it was clear of them yelling at each other in the halls and did my homework.

My anxiety started acting up. My heart racing my hands were shaking. I had to stop doing what I was doing. I sat on the floor and tried to catch my breath.

I laid my head on my arm. Breathing in. Breathing out.

I was frustrated. Tears started running down my face.

Life was so innocent before. I was so innocent. Until the day the blade touched my skin.

I whipped my eyes makeup everywhere on my face.

One. Two. Three. Four...

One after the other. Blood dripping from my legs and wrist.

I closed my eyes. I wish they knew. I wish they knew how fucked up I really am.

"It's just a phase." My mother told me. Not just once but multiple times.

But it wasn't a phase... I was depressed. I was sad. I was messed up.
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