Silenced

Chapter 15

A week later, Billie found himself in a long sleeve shirt when the weather was scorching. He had developed an over powering habit of cutting himself daily. His urge to cut himself only got worse by the hour, making him want to cut himself at all times.

The cuts had covered both of his arms now, piercing his green eyes with their redness every time Billie Joe looked at them. Seeing the cuts never helped. It either made him want to cut more or made him feel ashamed about what he's done. There was no reversing what he's done.

Sometimes Billie wishes someone would notice his silence and sadness, but no one seems to care in this busy place called planet earth. He wanted to talk to a friend, his mom, his siblings, a counselor, or basically anyone there was to talk to, but there was no way he could speak up for himself.

Of course Billie Joe never liked keeping Steve's abuse to himself. He felt trapped at all times, like a dying animal that had gotten used to starvation. Billie had gotten used to the abuse, and abuse was something no one should be used to.

Billie kept his head down low as he walked through crowded hallways at school. He pretended he didn't hear the people that asked him why he was wearing long sleeves when it was almost a hundred degrees outside. Otherwise, he would make an excuse saying his classes were cold or that he was sick. Luckily, people believed him. Unluckily? Billie didn't know how he felt on leaving people in the dark. He wanted the help, but he also didn't. It confused him. It made him hate himself even more. The confusion could probably account for the cuts that have now started to appear on his inner thighs.

And that's how Billie Joe found himself a week later. Head down as he shuffled through the halls with long sleeves and messy hair that was the least of his worries. He hadn't seen Mike all day, fortunately. Billie constantly tried to stay away from Mike to keep his problems hidden, but that never really worked when he was around Mike. Mike would always pressure Billie, not realizing that it was making Billie Joe anxious. He had started to get panic attacks regularly.

But there was no avoiding Mike now. They always road the bus home together, no matter if they talked at all that day or not. Sometimes Billie would look out the window in a trance, ignoring the presence of his best friend. Mike left him alone on those days, but ever since Billie Joe told Mike about Steve, Mike wouldn't leave him alone about it. Billie knew he was only trying to help out, but it was making it worse when his mind suddenly went back to the fact that he was going to be beaten when he came home that day.

Billie Joe shook his head to release him of his thoughts as he approached the bus. He had absentmindedly walked through the swarm of students and walked to his bus as he thought back to the past week. He suddenly felt the urge to rub his bicep as he thought about the multiple times he was dragged by his stepfather by that part of his arm.

Billie walked up the stairs of the bus and sat down next to Mike, still holding his arm. Mike looked over at Billie Joe and almost frowned. Billie Joe acted like he didn't see him as he concentrated on keeping his bloody abuse and self abuse marks from being visible.

Mike watched as Billie sat down next to him. The small boy sat with his hands in his lap and his head held low. Mike could see Billie Joe going downhill. Billie was breaking, falling apart by the second as his fragile body just barely continues to live. His personality was a shattered window, leaving him broken and scattered in everyone's face, but people still step over his stolen life while ignoring him with the perfect lives of their own. He was basically hidden, to everyone but Mike.

And Mike wanted so badly to help, but he hated bringing up things that was a sensitive topic for Billie Joe. Was it a sensitive topic? There was no way of knowing, for Billie hadn't shown any sign of sadness or tears, or even anger. The closest thing to sadness that Billie has shown is the fact that he's always lost. Emotionally, and mentally...lost. What does he want to think? To feel? Does he want to feel?

Mike looked back at the nervous boy who sat next to him. He was basically a stranger. Billie Joe played with his hands as he pretended he didn't see Mike. Mike knew he saw him. He sighed.

"Billie?"

Billie Joe looked up quickly, as if he wasn't expecting, or wanting, to be talked to. He waited.

"Are you okay?" Mike asked.

Billie looked back at his lap. Was he okay? He had cuts that he put upon himself out of fear, sadness, and confusion. He hasn't felt in years, hasn't talked in days. He is beaten by a man that he can't escape from, a man that is only legally his father, a man that is disgustingly named Steve. So no, he was not okay. Oh, Billie Joe was far far from okay. But he couldn't tell Mike that.

So Billie nodded.

Mike cringed. He knew Billie would say that, or at least gesture it. Billie Joe wasn't okay. Like he said earlier, Billie was breaking. Crumbling to an unknown black hole called depression. It was sad to watch, truly it was. But Mike couldn't do anything but watch. Billie doesn't want help. He wants to be left alone.

But if he continues to be left alone, how will he end up? How will he deal with the pain, the stress, the responsibility of being a normal person. Not that normal even exists, but to some extent, it was normal for people to talk. To tell people how they felt. To tell people when something is wrong. Billie Joe doesn't do that, and it was going to effect him sooner or later.

Mike spoke again, looking at the teen as he continued to stare at his bruised hands, most likely being effected by Steve.

"So you're okay? Perfectly fine and dandy?"

Billie nodded.

Mike wanted to grab Billie Joe by the shoulders and shake him furiously. He wanted to scream at him to say something, anything that would give him just the slightest bit of insight on how he felt. He wanted to rip Billie's depression out of his dark mind, making him feel brand new. He wanted so many things for Billie Joe, but Billie didn't want them...for himself. Did he?

Of course Billie did, but Mike didn't know that. Mike didn't know that Billie wanted to be helped, but just didn't know how to accept it. It was like not knowing how to accept a compliment. It was like not knowing how to help himself, and really...he didn't. But Mike didn't know that. Mike didn't understand. No one did. Billie was basically in his own world. Own universe.

Mike spoke up again, just as the bus arrived at their stop.

"Are you sure-"

"Yes," Billie Joe said suddenly.

He was starting to feel jittery. Mike watching him and knowing that he was walking home to a living hell was anything but calming. Billie felt a panic attack coming, and he didn't want Mike's pressuring to make it come any sooner. He was done for today.

Billie jumped up as soon as the bus stopped and ran down the isle before anyone could get up. He was off the bus in seconds, yet again in a sweatshirt when the sun was blazing. He tried to ignore it. It didn't work. He felt Mike's eyes. Billie Joe started to sweat. Shake. Gasp for air. He wasn't ready for help. But he really needed it.

He was breaking.