Silenced

Chapter 18

"Tell me," Mike said as he sat next to Billie on the couch the next day.

Billie looked up at him, breaking his stare that he had set on the TV in front of him. He was confused by what Mike said. The vagueness in his voice left Billie Joe clueless.

Mike waited for Billie to say something, or even react, but he only found himself looking at his hopeless and depressed friend that sat under an itchy blanket in front of him. Billie had been sitting on the couch all day, distant to the world that surrounded him.

Billie Joe finally lifted his eyebrows that were above his beautiful green eyes, a silent way of him asking Mike to explain what he meant.

"Tell me about your dad," Mike continued.

"Oh," was all Billie replied with.

He broke his and Mike's eye contact to look down at his fragile hands that carefully played with he blanket wrapped around him.

"Well, what do you want to know?" Billie asked shyly. He wasn't used to this kind of conversation.

Mike sat in thought.

"Tell me about the kind of man he was. The times y'all had together. Everything," Mike informed.

Billie continued to play with the blanket and kept his eyes down and out of Mike's sight.

"Well, he was my best friend. He was a big guy, one that was a nurturing and loving, but could be intimidating if he wanted. He was always there. Always around to either cheer everyone up or just make them happy with his presence. He was like that," Billie Joe explained, just above a whisper.

Mike noticed that he was stupidly smiling to himself while listening to Billie explain his dad. Mike wasn't friends with Billie Joe when his dad was still alive, and after his dad passed away, Billie didn't do much talking. Whether is was because of Steve or from a great loss, Mike would never know, but Mike wasn't willing to ask that of Billie Joe yet.

Billie picked his head up and sighed, still avoiding Mike's eyes but staring at the silenced T.V. in front of him.

"He never treated any of us differently; me and my other siblings, but I always knew that he had a special place in his heart for me because of my music. He was proud of me, and that made me want to do music even more. We'd spend hours on end talking about it. He always told me I'd make it big. I always denied it, but he insisted on it. He said one day he would say 'I told you so'...but he wasn't alive long enough to prove me wrong..." Billie trailed off.

Mike nodded, and he knew Billie could see him out of the corner of his eye.

"When he came home from the doctor's, I was in the kitchen, doing my homework and oblivious to the fact that he had been getting weaker right before my eyes. He walked through the door and hugged me and said 'I love you' so many times I lost count. I was confused by it, so I didn't think anything of it. I wish I had appreciated that hug more, because he was never able to hug me that tight ever again. His strength faded..."

Mike's chest felt tight.

"He told the whole family about his cancer at dinner. I lost my appetite. His words lingered, freezing time and letting it all sink in. I was numb. I swear my heart stopped beating for a good two minutes and my veins felt like ice. Everyone around me broke down, but all I could do was stare off and lock myself in my room. I waited a week or two to cry, finally realizing that he only had a few months left, if that..."

Mike only watched as Billie became more and more distant with his storytelling.

"I stayed with him in the hospital for days, sleeping on a lumpy fold out bed. I would sing to him at night, but I knew he never heard...I liked to think he did. The room always smelt like disinfectant, and it burned my nose, but I held on for Daddy. It probably burned his nose too. But one night I went home. I was tired of sleeping on that bed and I wanted to take a shower at my house. I was being selfish and greedy, and left my dying dad just for some comfort. He died that night. Sometimes I wonder if I had stayed in the hospital for one more night, he probably would've lived a while longer, but let's be honest, he was already practically gone. But maybe if I had stayed, there wouldn't be all these words left in my throat that I wanted to tell him. Hey, maybe my mom wouldn't have met Steve..." Billie said, his eyes drooping.

"Billie-"

"But she did," Billie cut Mike off. "She did meet Steve, and the only thing he did for me was make my life shit. He made me numb. If I talked about my dad, I would get beat."

Mike watched as Billie finally looked over at Mike.

"Do you know how hard it is? How hard it is to hold back all emotion and live lifelessly? I've never talked about my dad before...to anyone, all because that bastard scared me so badly. I haven't even been able to cry since my dad's funeral. I'm numb. It's hard, Mike. It hurts..."

"I know," Mike said gently, putting his hand on Billie Joe's shoulder.

Billie shook his head.

"I just want my dad back."

And that was all it took. Billie felt something he hadn't felt in years. Extreme sorrow. The unfamiliar feel of stinging behind his eyes and a lump in his throat left Billie Joe foreign. His eyes started to fill up to the brim with salty tears, and his mouth was pulled forcefully into a frown. And then, the first sob escaped. Billie Joe was...crying.

And oh yes, he cried hard, not taking advantage of something he hadn't felt in years. The feel of letting every emotion flow down his face in a liquid form. He brought his hands to his face as he sobbed and sobbed harder and harder until it was audible, and Mike could hear every pained break of Billie's self control. Pitiful moans escaped Billie's mouth as his body shook and he cried into his hands, hard. He cried so hard, his throat began to burn, and he didn't even feel Mike pull him into a hug.

Billie suddenly felt his chest against Mike's, and it only made him cry harder. No one had hugged him in so long, not even his mother. And to have some physical conformation that someone cares about him only made his sobs louder. Soon Billie Joe had his arms around Mike's neck while Mike held Billie's waist. Billie weeped onto Mike's shoulder, knowing that he was making Mike's shoulder wet from his tears, but too weak from crying to care. Mike's chest was warm and caring, letting Billie feel the electricity of being cared about. Having this along with his crying, Billie had never felt better. Never felt more open.

"I-I just want my d-dad, M-Mike," Billie sobbed.

"I know, Bill. I know..." Mike hummed comfortably, rubbing circles on Billie's back.

"I m-miss him. I want Daddy," Billie Joe hiccuped through tears, sounding like he was ten years old again. It hurt to hear, let alone watch.

"Shhh, it's okay, Billie. You're okay," Mike assured through whispers.

Billie sobbed for a while longer, weeping and shaking and worrying Mike even more, but he knew that Billie needed it. He needed to talk about his dad. He needed to cry.

They hugged while Billie Joe cried for a loving hour before Billie's cries started to die down, but nowhere near stopped. Mike never let go of Billie. Billie didn't want him to.

"Thank you," Billie whispered painfully sad.

"For what?"

"For listening," Billie answered.

And with that, Billie snuggled his head further into Mike's neck. Mike only responded by squeezing Billie Joe tighter and rocking them back and forth.

Billie no longer felt as numb.