Silenced

Chapter 16

A few days later, Billie Joe felt like he was dead. His world was gray, a colorless dimension that left him dangling in mid air. He couldn't comprehend the dark world around him, leaving him basically unconscious as he absentmindedly played his guitar at practice.

Mike stood to his left, Tré right behind. Both of them played their instruments like their lives depended on it.

Billie wished he could feel that way. He wished he could feel like his instrument was the most important thing to him. Just in that moment, the one moment where he needed to love his guitar the most, but he couldn't. He couldn't feel the want, the need, the feeling of knowing that he had a talent. His silence and depression left him clueless and careless to the world around him. A world that treated Billie like he was another teenager that cut themselves and listening to head banging music, and maybe he was. Maybe his situation was considered luxury to some other depressed teen.

The stereotype that came from his appearance was almost a barrier. One that kept him from the help and support from others that he needed. People never approach him in school because he was always quiet, sitting in the back of the room with the same clothes he wore yesterday.

Billie Joe wondered how long his words have been stuck behind their fear. The fear of saying the wrong thing and only causing more pain upon himself from the one person he hated most. He wondered if the words were still there, or if they slipped away, tired of waiting to be spoken out from his mouth.

Billie started to give up on himself, knowing that one day Steve will kill him. He will murder him slowly, watching the agonizing fight that Billie Joe tries to make with his life. His heart holding on like a dead leaf in fall as blood pours from his abused body. Ringing in his ears, confusion in his mind, Billie's left for dead. Watched for entertainment as he barely takes in his last breath, never able to say the words he wanted oh so badly to say, only for Steve to watch with a smile.

Then the plug is pulled...and he's gone. When Billie thinks about it, it doesn't seem so bad to end it all. It would be done and over with, another page in his book that he passes, except that page would be the very last one. Death drew Billie Joe's attention. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to kill him-

"Billie?" Mike called in Billie Joe's face. He waved his hands as if Billie had been out of it for a while.

Billie Joe jumped as he saw his blue eyed friend suddenly in from of him, his thoughts crashing and crumbling into the abyss of his mind, but Billie knew they would be back. They always come back.

"You okay, man? You started looking super zoned and then you stopped playing," Tré said from behind him. Billie could hear his drumsticks tapping together.

Billie Joe only looked at Mike as if Mike knew the answer. Somewhat, yes, Mike knew more than Tré, but he didn't know what Billie was going through. The emptiness he felt without his dad. The loneliness he felt without his words.

Billie looked away and stared at the ground. He tried to act like he wasn't there. He acted like his existence wasn't relevant, his body and presence in another place. Billie knew it was impossible, but he still tried. Billie Joe tried a lot of things that were impossible, including feeling. That was impossible. Billie Joe had lost that ability a while ago.

"Hey," Mike said, laying a hand on Billie Joe's shoulder, snapping him out of yet another daze he slipped into.

Billie looked up pleadingly, his green eyes begging Mike to just let the little event go. Pleading for Mike to act like it never happened so that they could move on with their automatic lives. Ones that they live without thought. But Mike was tired of walking away. He couldn't stand to let Billie Joe go back to that bastard of a stepdad just to expect to see him with new bruises the next day. He was tired of it. And God only knows how Billie deals with the pain.

Mike snapped back into the moment, the second where the silence hung so long that the intensity was audible. Billie Joe waited, still looking up at Mike as Tré watched in confusion.

"Can you stay here tonight, Bill?" Mike asked.

Billie felt confused, then suddenly his emotions hit a brick wall. Ha! Who was he kidding? He didn't have emotions. More like his common sense hit a brick wall, rupturing all his thoughts until they conjured up what Mike said to him.

Billie Joe opened his mouth to talk, but couldn't speak from his dry throat. Tré took this opportunity to jump into the conversation.

"Why does he get to stay here and not me?!" Tré joked, trying desperately to lighten the dark mood.

Mike looked away from Billie's malachite eyes to meet Tré's childish ones.

"Tré, I think you should go now, man. We can do practice again tomorrow," Mike said vaguely, knowing that Tré had no idea about Billie Joe's situation with Steve.

"Are y'all fucking or something?"

"Tré!" Mike hissed.

"I'm just joking! Hey, I'll get my kit later. Can't believe we're having practice on a Saturday. We should be having gigs on a Saturday! Whatever, I'll see you guys tomorrow," Tré waved as he went past Billie and Mike while patting their backs.

Billie turned his attention back to the floor.

"You don't really have an option. You're staying here tonight. I'm sure your parents won't mind if you stay over on a Friday night," Mike sighed as he went across the room to grab a soda.

Billie Joe stayed in the spot. He could see his world slowly turning into shadows around him. Shadows that haunted him at night and kept him awake with their darkness. Billie wished he could be a shadow, only out when the sun is and then having the dark night all to himself, unneeded when there's no light. He wondered why he was a person and not a shadow. Who assigned these spots anyways? Who ever did didn't do a very good job because Billie was anything but a person that is able to deal with their thoughts. His thoughts were killing him, eating him alive and nibbling away like a rat.

Billie Joe sneaked out of the basement and out the door into Mike's living room. Mike didn't notice. Billie didn't want him to. Before Mike could offer Billie Joe his bed, Billie curled up on the couch.

It wasn't even dark outside when Billie became too tired to live. He wished he could sleep forever. No more living.