Drowning Lessons

...but someone does...

A/N: this isn't really an update, yet it is in a way, I'm just not labeling it as a chapter. Yet.

This is just some things that I kinda need to get off my chest, and just let out. I'm mainly doing this for the reason of possibly being able to help some people, let them know that they aren't alone in what they're feeling.

This is probably going to be a mix of different things, from suicide and self harm, to gender identity issues and sexual orientation, from bands and music, to the deeper, darker thoughts that lurk in the back of my mind, slowly creeping forward until I can't take it anymore.

Before it begins, if you've been read this far, I just want you to know that you are truly not alone, no matter how cliche it sounds. You may feel different, think different, act different, dress different, but somewhere out in the dark, dark place we call home, someone truly understands. Maybe they understand things a bit better, or a bit less, but I bet they are on the same pathway, thinking they're alone, that no one cares, that no one understands, but you come along and change that.

You will find that someone, whether it be an internet friend, a best friend that you've known since kindergarten, or even just someone who you admire and might not know of you, you'll find them. I know you will.

I found mine. And they're from this site. They've probably been my biggest supporter of this fic, and I can't thank them enough. And they get it. Thank you, Tegan.

Do you know what it's like to wake up everyday, hoping that something will just go right for once? Do you know what it's like to lose that hope the minute something goes wrong? Do you know what it's like to walk through the halls, quickly as possible, trying not to make contact with anyone except for a friend or two? Do you know what it's like to walk into the classroom and just feel the judgment being sent your way? Do you know what it's like to have people look at you differently because you decide to switch things up a bit with yourself and do what makes you comfortable? Do you know how it feels to get the cold sweats just thinking, knowing, that you're next to do a presentation?

Do you know what it's like to feel your heart start beating so fast, it seems as if it could burst through your chest? Do you know what it's like to slowly stand up on shaky legs, praying that everything will go as planned? Do you know what it's like to feel the stares, hear the whispers, the snickers, the smart mouthed remarks after something that's been said?

Do you know what it's like to constantly practice the saying of the word "Here," or "Present," for attendance? Do you know what it's like to choke on your own words when trying to speak aloud in public or class?

Probably, maybe you don't. And that's ok? Because I know someone does.

Do you know what it's like to wake up with the immediate feeling of wanting to die? Do you know how it feels to know that the things you're telling your friends about the situation is slowly killing them inside, because they don't know what the should do exactly.

Do you know what it's like to find out that your mom has found those multiple suicide notes, stashed somewhere you thought she'd never find them? Do you know what it's like to be physically dragged out of your room, and into the backseat of a car, kicking and screaming, trying to make them understand that you're ok,even when you know you're not? Do you know what it's like to be practically carried into the hospital, your arms criss crossed over your chest, being held by someone who thinks they can help? Do you know what it's like to be put in a white, an oh, so white room, that's overly clean, overly organized, overly sterile, and just creepy? Do you know what it's like to have independence ripped away from you, just because your mom saw a few scratches on your wrist?

Do you know what it's like to be forced into a weirdly patterned hospital gown that's just a bit too loose? Do you know what it's like to have doctors and nurses and counselors, and other weird people surrounding you, asking so many questions, you can barely keep up. Do you know what it's like to have needles jabbed in your arms, and wrist, and pills shoved down your throat, and restraints keeping your hands, arms, feet, and ankles strapped to the disgusting hospital bed? Do you know what it feels like to be called crazy, stupid, immature, attention seeking, and so many more names, all because you felt some way and didn't notice the other options?

Do you know what it's like to be called the Suicidal Freak, the girl with the scars?

Probably not..but that's ok. Because someone does.

Do you know how it feels to struggle with gender identity issues? Do you cringe when they call you certain pronouns? Do you want to be called something else, maybe like a nickname, but are too scared of people asking why? Do you know what it's like to try and not correct your family when they use the wrong pronouns on you because they don't know your preference yet?

Do you know what it's like to feel one gender at one point, then ten seconds later, be a complete opposite?

Do you know what it's like to want to be called a "They" and not a "She?"

Probably not...but someone does.

Do you know how it feels to see someone you've adored, loved, cherished, fall for someone else? Do you feel the heart crippling pain brought on by that? Do you long for them to look at you the way they look at their new lover? Do you long for that special touch, the one that was so gentle once, but you now realize it was always icy cold?

Probably. And that's ok. Someone else does too.

Do you know how it feels to think you're so different because of the way you think things through? You know you're different in many ways, but this stands out more. Most people don't think things over so much it becomes a worry. Most people don't worry so much that they make themselves physically sick.

Do you know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night from a mild nightmare, them have a complete anxiety or panic attack from it? And you can't sleep, because the darkness will get you, and you'll never come back..do you know how that feels?

Probably not. But someone does..and someone else does, too.

Keep hanging in there. We're all different, some ways more than others, but that's ok.

I'm here for you guys, no matter your race, gender, sexual orientation, WHATEVER! I'm here..

I love you all so much, and I wish the very best for you.

Stay safe, stay strong, stay street |-/

xoLib

aka Toxic Fighter