Drowning Lessons

i am proof. (trigger warning)

Hello again!  It's been so long.  I went back and read some of the chapters that weren't really chapters and decided I needed to get something out there.

On January 24, 2017, I tried to commit suicide.  I got horribly scared and rushed to my mom who took me to the ER and I spent 6 days in a shitty, an absolutely shitty "help" institution.  But I made it.

A few months go by and I start to fall.  I'm talking to someone I shouldn't have ever started talking to, he's messing with my head, I'm getting into bad things, life was just hell.

In May, my heart got broken, like truly broken, for the first time.  I completely shut down and stopped sleeping, I stopped eating.   I started doing drugs and messing around with older guys and going bad places.  I basically felt that there was no coming back so I tried to tear myself apart.

Two months later, my mum reads my journal and finds out how suicidal I am.  I went into another hospital two days later.  I had bottles of pills hidden throughout my room, ready for me whenever I felt it was time.  I had razor blades hidden in my clothes and shoes and anywhere I could think to put them.  I went into this hospital with absolutely no hope in the world.  I was ready to die.  The day I was put into the clinic, I told my doctor that the only thing stopping me from suicide was the fact that too much blood gave me a panic attack and that if it wasn't for my anxiety, I'd be dead already.

I got out the day before my first day of my sophomore year (this year).  I have never been so happy in my life.  We found the right medicines that work for me, I have better coping skills, I don't do drugs (I just smoke a lot of weed), I don't talk to that person anymore, and I've reinvented my way of thinking towards life.

Now I know this isn't detailed so it probably doesn't seem that bad, but it was a scary time in anyone's life who was close to me.  I also know that a lot of kids have it worse than me, but I want them, I want YOU to know that there is hope.  There is help.  There are people who love you and will help you, even if it's a complete stranger at a hospital.

Guys, don't be afraid to ask for help.  Psych hospitals aren't bad.  (just don't go to Hickory Trail if you live in Texas, it sucks.)..  They really do help, but only if you allow them to.  You can't get better if you don't WANT to get better.

There is hope.  There is recovery.  There is a future for all of you.  I am proof of that.  Things get better if you try your best.  Please, don't ever give up.  I know it's hard.  But there is help and hope and so much more.

I love you all.  If you read this, thank  you, I hope you're well.  Have a wonderful day/night/whatever.  Stay strong. Stay street. |-/

Liberty.