My life with mental illnesses..

Part 3.

Now, after the second overdose I stopped for a while. I constantly felt numb. I couldnt feel anything & I no longer knew how to cope or how to feel. I continued like this, still occasionally talking to the school counsellor. I was getting into more & more trouble at school. It got to a point where I had to register with my head of year because my tutor didnt want me there anymore, she couldnt deal with me, nobody could. February 2014 came along. At that point I really didnt care about anything. It was a thursday, before school I took another overdose, my third one. I still went to school as if nothing had happened. When I got there, I went to my head of year (Miss Taunton) as usual. I sat down and felt really ill, my head was spinning and I felt as if I was going to be sick. I had my head on the desk and Miss Taunton asked me if I was okay, I lied, I told her I was just feeling ill. 

Later on in the day I went back to her, she had been asking me for a few weeks if I wanted to talk to the school counselor for the older years, as the one I used to see only dealt with younger years and I kept refusing, but I knew I needed to tell someone about it. I asked her if she could get the counselor to come and get me when she was free. I waited all day, still nothing. In my last lesson a note came from the counselor asking to see me and my friend. When we got there, my other friends were there as well, I was so confused. She asked me to come inside while the others waited outside. She asked me why I wanted to see her, I sat there for a few minutes, debating inside my head as to whether I wanted to tell her. In the end I did. She called my mum, who she spoke to a few years previously regarding my older sister. She told her and my mum had to leave work to come and get me, I couldnt stop crying. The counselor had to leave before my mum came so I went to sit with my head of year, who, when she found out what I had done, thought she should have realised earlier because of me saying I was ill earlier in the day, although it made no sense to me due to the fact nobody knew that I had taken overdoses before. When my mum got there, they said I wasnt allowed back to school until I went to the doctors. The next day I went to the doctors, who then told me to go to the local drop in centre to see a counselor, I never went. On the Monday, I self harmed for the first time. I cut on both of my forearms, not on my wrist, I was too scared to do that, I always did it further down. I cut everyday after that, gradually working my way up my arms, but still not on my wrists. I told my friend Abbey, who didnt know what to say. On the Friday we finished for half term, a week off of school, a week stuck with my thoughts, still cutting, but by then it was to a point where I actually tore the skin, not badly though. The day we went back, 24th February to be precise, I took yet another overdose in the morning. I told Abbey, and during break she went and told Ms Taunton about both the overdose and my self harm. She came and got me out of my maths lesson and took me to the counselors office. We sat and spoke for a while, and they asked to see my cuts. They then made me go back to the doctors once again. I was told the same thing. When I went back to school the next day, Ms Tauton came and spoke to me. She started to do daily checks to make sure that I 'looked after myself' the night before, and to check if I had any tablets or things to self harm with.

A/N Hey lovelies, how are you all? I got really into writing this today, I didnt want to stop but I thought I should because it was getting too long. Ive been struggling so much lately its unreal. The doctors want to put me on citalopram so im in the midst of deciding if its worth it or not. BUT GUYS....IM 13 DAYS CLEAN!!!! I havent been clean for that long since i left school in June, so Im super proud of myself...but anywhooo...Remember that Im always here if anyone needs me, comment or message me anytime and I'll try my best to be of help or even just to listen, because I know that sometimes it can be really helpful just to vent.

Take care lovelies...

-Michelle <3