My life with mental illnesses..

Part 7..

By this point, I started having panic attacks. At first I didnt know what they were. Why couldnt I breathe? Why was I shaking? I didnt understand. I had parents evening. My reports were not the best, but not the worst I had ever had either. Afterwards, I waited with my friend and my mum left. We went to the bathroom and it started. I slid down to the floor and started rocking, I couldnt catch my breath. I cried and cried, slapping my head, shouting "stop it", "please" "go away". After a while it stopped and I cried on my friends shoulder, before walking out of the bathroom. I told my psych the next time I saw her and she told me it was a panic attack. I got my assessment report back from my eating disorder assessment. Depression, anxiety and bulimia. 

One day, in our lunch break, I could feel a panic attack coming, but I didnt know what to do. Near the end of break I went to find my friend and then I ran to the upstairs bathroom and locked myself in a cubicle, I once again couldnt breathe. Abbey went to go and get my head of year but she was teaching so she instead got my tutor who came in and got me to open the cubicle. I collapsed on the floor, I felt like I was going to die, I was choking and it seemed like it was never going to end. My tutor made Abbey get my head of year, saying it was an emergency. She came in and they were boh trying to calm me down but nothing was working. I was slapping my head so hard that it felt like my brain was moving (obviously it wasnt but it felt as if it was). My head of year got me a plastic bag as she had no paper bags, she held it out for me to put over my mouth but instead I put my whole head in it crying, making me panic more. I finally used it properly and calmed down, I stayed in the humanities office after being checked out at reception. I spent the rest of the day dizzy and had a splitting headache. I felt so embarrassed. Everyone could hear me from in the classroom opposite. After that, my panic attacks became regular and often in school, everyone knew about them and was scared of me everytime they could see that one was coming on. 

A/N Hey lovelies. So this is a very short update sorry. I found out today that my DBT psychologist is now leaving, only 2 months into the year long therapy. Ive known her since March though as I did pre treatment for a few weeks, took a break to do my GCSE's and then went back to finish pre treatment before starting the actual treatment. Thanks to BPD I'm strongly attached to her and I dont know how I'm going to cope, having to get used to yet another psychologist. Hope you're all okay.

Thank you all for reading. Stay strong lovelies

-Michelle x