My life with mental illnesses..

Part 4..

Now lets jump to April, when one of the hardest things I've ever experienced happened. I had a group of friends at the time, there was me, Abbey, Anissa and Jessica. We all used to talk to this boy in the year above (year 11), Satya, his name is. I knew him for years prior to this as he went to my primary school, but we never really spoke. At this point I spent practically everyday at Abbeys, we were inseparable. Satya kept asking to come to my house, we were all quite close to him. Eventually I agreed to let him come, as long as Abbey was there too, because I thought it would be awkward otherwise. So me and Abbey went to meet him (it was wednesday 16th April) and we took him to mine. At first it was fine, we were just sitting, listening to music and talking. Then he came and climbed on top of me, at first I thought it was him messing about so I just laughed, until he kissed me, I didnt know how to react, I started moving my head side to side, trying to get him to stop. After a while he got off of me and me and Abbey swapped seats, she sat on the chair I was on and I went and sat on the sofa. He sat on Abbey and kissed her. She let him. Once he got bored of that he came over and pushed me down so that I was laying down on the sofa. He then proceeded to climb on top of me, once again trying to kiss me and grind on me. I pushed my lips as close together as I could and moved my head from side to side. He wouldnt give up. He licked my face and neck, I shivered from the feeling of his mustache on me, a feeling I will never be able to forget. Eventually he climbed off of me and I got up, as I did, he bent me over and then put his hands into my bra, I tried to pull it out but he wouldnt move it. I sat back down and continuously asked him to leave, it took several attempts and about 20 minutes until he got up  and said he was leaving. I walked him to the hallway where the front door is, as you cant see it from my front room. When we were in the hallway, he pushed me against the wall and kissed me. He then tried to put his hand down my trousers, when I pulled it out, he rubbed me through my jeans, I had to move his hand about 4 times before he stopped, I told him to get out, he kissed my cheek and said bye before leaving. I was left speechless, I couldnt comprehend what had just happened, with my bestfriend just sitting there watching. Immediately after, his friend called me, he had told him that I kissed him and that it was just me and him, Abbey apparently wasnt there. I felt absolutely disgusting, I blamed myself and couldnt get it out of my head. After Abbey left, I went to the bathroom and did something I had never thought of doing before. I had always had a problem with food, from a young age. I was always a 'fussy eater' and at the age of 12 I started to starve myself for days on end, I lost alot of weight during that time. I knelt down in front of the toilet and stuck two fingers down my throat. I carried on doing this until I was sick. Little did I know, that this was the start of something bigger than I could have imagined. We went back to school on the Monday, since that day I had been purging once or twice a day. I managed to avoid him for the whole day, until it was time to go to tutor. I saw him and his friend, Reuel (the one who called me). I literally ran. Reuel kept shouting my name, he didnt understand why I ran as soon as I saw them. I started shaking and it was the most scared I had ever been. I avoided him until Wednesday. See everyday after school I would go and sit in Ms Tauntons classroom with Abbey so we could do any work we had, mainly to avoid having to go home. She was in a meeting so she left us in her room.  We were sitting there talking, until Satya and Reuel walked in. I ran into the girls bathroom, assuming he wouldnt come in, but boy was I wrong. They both came in and Satya pushed me into one of the cubicles. I was shaking, I didnt know what to do. I pushed him and ran back to the room and hid in the corner. He came in and backed me further into the corner cupboard. He then started grabbing my stuff. I told him to leave me alone, he started laughing at me. I probably would have too, to be honest, I looked so pathetic, and I sounded even worse. There was a crack in my voice when I told him to go. I was trying so hard not to break down crying. He left in the end and I ran straight to the bathroom and made myself sick. I thought by getting rid of the contents of my stomach, I'd get rid of the horrible feelings as well, but it didnt work like that. I then went back and sat with my head on the desk, shaking and crying. When Ms Taunton came in after her meeting, she had a go at me for not doing work, she thought I was sleeping, until she saw my face. I lied though. I told her I was fine and she left it at that. I then went home and went to the bathroom to purge again. It became a cycle. The feelings would come and I would purge, somehow believing that one day it would help, even just a little bit.

A/N Why hello again my lovelies. Updated 2 days in a row, well done me. I've had some feedback from a few people saying that this book is helping them and I cant explain how glad I am for that. I hate the fact people can relate to this though. I love and appreciate every single one of you, you're all amazing and strong and special. Keep fighting, you're all worth the world.

-Michelle <3