My life with mental illnesses..

Part 5...

So I know this is in the wrong order, but oh well. In march 2014, a month before my previous chapter, my head of year made me go to the hospital because of my continuous self harm. By this point I had started to cut on my wrists. My brother and sister in law had to come and get me from school. We went to A&E later that evening. After a very long wait, they decided to keep me in for the night so that a psychologist could come and assess me in the morning. My brother stayed with me as I was only 14, so had to have an adult with me over night. In the morning my sister in law came back and the psychologist came to see me. She asked questions about both my mental state at that moment and my mental state in general. Once she had asked all the questions necessary, they decided to make me go to CAMHS (Child and adolescent mental health service). This was my local therapy place. Later on in the week I had to go there with my mum and sister in law for a further assessment before starting my weekly therapy sessions doing CBT. I was so scared and couldnt open up at all. Everything I was asked, I responded with 'I dont know'. It became my automatic response mechanism when I didnt want to talk. Majority of the time I didnt even listen to or process the questions, I just said I dont know. I carried on with this therapy, still purging daily as well, until 24th June 2014 (my nieces 4th birthday). We was at sports day, and I took another overdose. I took them gradually, whilst still doing my races. I had done 2 races, and after each one I was taking more tablets. Just before my 3rd race, I told my friend Abbey that I had taken the overdose. When I went down to do my next race I felt dizzy and as if I was going to collapse. Everyone was saying I looked pale. Abbey then told my head of year what I had done. She came over to talk to me and told me that I couldnt do the race because I was likely to faint, especially considering I hadnt eaten for 6 days either, but I was persistent and wanted to still do the race. She was going to let me do it and told me I had to go and talk to her after. Whilst walking round to the starting line, her and the pastoral manager, Ms McCarthy called me over, I continued walking, acting as if I didnt hear them, but then they shouted my name louder. They called an ambulance and I wasnt allowed to do the race. I asked my head of year what they would do at the hospital and she said that they would make me sick. My first response was "but I do that to myself anyway so theres no need to go". My mouth spoke before my brain had caught up. She looked at me confused but didnt say anything else after that. The ambulance still hadnt come after half an hour of waiting. So one of the teachers had to drive me and Ms McCarthy to the hospital, as my sister was meeting us there. When we got there, my blood pressure was taken, which was high as usual, I always have high blood pressure. Once my sister came, Ms McCarthy left. They ended up putting me on the drip and I had to stay in the hospital for 2 nights as the medication on the drip didnt end until about 3 o'clock the next day, and the psychologists refuse to see people whilst they are still of medication and they finish at 5. Once again a psychologist from the same company came and spoke to me as my psychologist (Anneline) was busy. They let me go home and the report was sent back to Anneline. I wasnt allowed back into school until a meeting was held with me, my mum and Ms McCarthy. I then got told that I was no longer allowed to speak to my head of year about stuff, it had to be Ms McCarthy. My head of year was the only person I felt comfortable talking to, so after this was decided I went back to not telling anyone anything, not even my psych. I still hadnt told anyone about what happened with the boy, but I was beginning to have flashbacks and nightmares everyday.

A/N Hey my lovelies. Sorry if this is confusing as I wrote about April before March, but Im sure you will all be able to work it out. 3 updates in 4 days...I'm on a roll, and I'm now 16 days clean of self harm and overdoses as well :) Hope you're all okay x

-Michelle <3