My life with mental illnesses..

Part 6...

In September 2014, I had already started to bring my friend to my sessions with my psych. In one session, my friend told my psych that I had been purging daily and restricting my eating, to a ridiculous extent. My psych decided she would refer me to an eating disorder service. I didnt see the point, I was fat, I felt as if I was overweight although technically I wasnt, that didnt change my opinion of myself. I was far too fat to have an eating disorder. I continuously told myself this. My head of year started talking to me again when we went back to school at the start of September as our school had been turned into an academy and the teacher who said I wasnt allowed to talk to her anymore had left. I spoke to my head of year about how scared I was to go to this assessment. It was at an actual psychiatric hospital. On October 17th, me and my mum went for my assessment. They asked me questions about eating, mood etc. I was then assessed by a doctor to check my blood pressure, look at my cuts and check the marks on my hands from purging. That day I was diagnosed with  bulimia. I couldnt believe it. I remember the psychologist who assessed me saying 'you know what this means...you're bulimic' and my response was 'I'm not, I cant be, you're lying' but he wasnt lying. He then repeated it 'you have bulimia, you have an eating disorder'. My mum cried and I just stared blankly, this was my first proper diagnosis. They wanted me to go for a bloodtest and an ECG, when me and mum were walking round to the hospital part, I just walked away. I didnt want to know if there was any internal damage. I went back to school that day, I only had one lesson left, history.  I just sat there, replaying the words in my head 'you're bulimic'. After school I went to Ms Taunton (Head of year) and told her what had happened. I broke down crying. I remember her going into her drawer to get me tissue, she had started keeping tissues in there for me because of the amount of times I would cry in her room. I just couldnt seem to get my head around it. That this boy had caused me to develop an eating disorder. The next day was a Saturday and me and Abbey decided to help out with open morning at school. While we was walking up the stairs to the humanities department, we heard Ms Taunton talking to my tutor Ms Shaw. Ms Shaw asked her what my appointment was for and if I was okay, Ms Taunton replied with 'Yeah, she got diagnosed with something she didnt want to be diagnosed with, but I told her that now she can work on recovering because she knows what it actually is'. I couldnt listen to anymore. We went to the bathroom and I started crying. Why was the person I trusted most telling someone else this stuff. I was hurt and felt betrayed. We went up to help set up and a few families came. I spoke to them about the department and the school in general. Whilst this was going on Ms Taunton kept trying to converse with me, asking if I was going to watch X Factor etc. I just walked away from her. Just before we left I said bye to them, but then came back and told Ms Taunton that I had heard what she said to Ms Shaw. She apologised and said how it means others care about me the same way she does. She kept apologising and in the end I forgave her but started being careful with what I told her. That day I decided I didnt want to go to the eating disorder service to work on it. I didnt want to do anything. 

A/N Hiya loveliess, sorry I havent been updating. Ive felt so suicidal the past week or so, I almost got hit by a train yesterday morning, if the guard at the station hadnt pulled me away at that exact moment I would have been hit. I also found out this morning that my auntie died. We wont know until friday when they do the autopsy,  what the cause was though. Hope you're all okay. Always here guys. Thanks for reading.

-Michelle <3