Rain....Is it really that good?

Sapphire.

Dear diary,

            I finally learned his name! Its Josh Jones and its adorable when he says it.

Of course, if HE knew about it I’d be dead. He doesn’t like me going outside after I’ve been beaten by him. Makes people give me weird looks. My mom had a turn for the worse today. Even though she acts like nothing was happening she had a horrible coughing fit and pretty much coughed up a lung. My mother is the only thing that keeps me going in this world. If she’s gone he’s going to get worse and then eventually I’d die. But in reality I think that because I’m such a hard ass as my coworkers say I am I’ll make it out when I leave for college…if I last that long. I haven’t had time for my studies since he’s been raping and hitting me all the time. Usually I can but it’s become worse and worse. I can not keep my eyes open. I welcome the darkness that consumes me and when I finally think its over it happens. He doesn’t like me sleeping. He wants me up all night doing things for him. If I don’t do it right I’m punished. He’s being pushed over the edge with my mother dying. I do really believe that he loves her but with my mother in bed rest and him not getting what he needs he finds the closest source. When I do sleep and I do dream I dream of someday either the police or my soul mate will come to save me. But in reality nobody will ever save me. So as Silhouettes by Smile Empty Soul plays I’m writing in you diary. HE won’t let me talk to anyone else. He thinks I’ll tell his big secret. If he only knew that a guy was already putting the pieces together. I gave him my number and told him not to call after 11 because that’s when HE comes home and gets drunk. I don’t want the only guy that pretty much ever talked to me to disappear. He would too if I told him. I saw the number of scars and bruises I have from just the other night. If you saw them you’d think I dumped purple paint all over my back and scratched out some of the skin. That’s how bad it is. The ones on my neck aren’t any better but those I can cover up with make up. I think of all the weird looks I get because I wear longs sleeves near the time summer break is suppose to start. More then once I’ve been called to the Guidance office because people think I’m cutting myself. Please. If I ever cut myself I wouldn’t cut my wrist I’d do it in a more secretive space. Alright so the thing is I do cut…but it’s a secret place. If in case of emergencies and I need a cut I either hide the pocketknife in my bra or in my shoe. Would my father bother checking there? Well my bra maybe but not in my shoe. I have a sweatshirt with a pocket sown into it to hold my cigarettes if I ever needed one. I feel like needing one right now. I can’t though mom’s sleeping and I don’t want her taking in any smoke. I don’t think she has a lot of time left. I’m going to miss her when she’s gone. She’s always been around for me and sticking up for me even when it was my fault. She was there for every birthday, every school play, every concert, even helped me with my first date. I don’t know what I’d do without my mom. Of course though when my mom was at all those things my father was busy having sex with his co-workers who just wanted a promotion.

So I have the need to write this in you, my diary, because then I can tell someone at least. There are plenty of things wrong with me that people would be disgusted by if they knew. Well I’ve gone over the smoking thing, well not really, I’ve smoked since 6th grade and do I enjoy doing it. Hell no. But it is the best way to get rid of some people I haven’t gotten in trouble for them yet when I smoke at school. I’ve just briefly skimmed my cutting addiction. Yes, it’s an addiction and if you ever tried it you’ll be right there with me if you’re a serious cutter. Most people though are not so supportive of this factor and say that their life isn’t that bad. The people who say that don’t know what they’re talking about. Its frowned upon but really? I don’t give a shit. I don’t cut my wrists if you really want to know I cut my ankles. Enough of that though I also drink. I’m not a really heavy drinker like my father that I get drunk but more like a couple of shots and a few swigs of Vodka and I’m in Heaven not feeling anything since it makes me feel at peace. I started drinking that same time I started smoking. You’d think all that liquor would get to me right? Wrong. I’m bulimic too. To myself I’m chubby and have way too much weight on me. Everyone doesn’t care though since not everyone pays attention to me. Besides if they did know I’d be out of here so fast. Maybe that would be a good idea. But then I’d have to spend time in a hospital and have therapy…no thank you! Put all those together and you get the freaky me! Isn’t that fabulous?! Yea totally. I’ll be right back the phone’s ringing and I’m out of Vodka so while I go and get more I must leave for now.

                                                                        Sapphire

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Dear diary,

            I’m back. I got me some more Vodka and it was my mom’s doctor calling to tell me that he needs to see her tomorrow. I agreed pretty quickly wanting to know what was new with my mom. I went to visit her before I came back here she didn’t look any better if anything she just got worse. I’m hiding this bottle and every time she gets worse I’ll have one drink and one smoke. Does Josh probably know I’m a cutter, I’m a drinker, I’m a smoker, and I’m bulimic? No. Do I intend to tell him? Again no. Well I finally have the buzz I was looking for maybe I’ll have a smoke later tonight if I feel like it. I might act like I’m a tough girl and that I’m a bad ass but really all I want is for someone to take care of me. HE isn’t coming home till late so he’ll be to tired to do anything. Thank god. I gotta go I’m already slurring and losing focus I’ll talk to ya later diary.

                                                                        Sapphire