Dead Girls & A Broken Heart ***EDITING MAJORLY***

Dead Girls & A Broken Heart - Chp 19

Adolescence is the time in life when girls quit believing in fairy tales and start to believe in love. -- Anonymous

It was Saturday and I was still avoiding a lot. Gabs and Brent were seeing me more and more and when they did it was…unbearable. Their moods simmered to match my somber and numb emotions yet it was hard to remain oblivious to their bubbling love and adoration that they tried to keep hidden. And I admit it wounded me seeing Brent finally being able to show his affection. His eyes watching Gabs every move, his hand or knee needing to move so that at least something touched and connected them. How when Gabs met Brent’s gaze she’d blush. Blush! And their smiles, sure their faces were creased with worry but I could see the creases were their twitching smiles of love would be.

And I just sat there curled in my single seat by the window hugging my legs and sitting silently.

I tried, I tried to make conversation and I was getting better. But my weak attempts if anything created an awkward silence. I just couldn’t be the old me that they wanted, it was going to take time.

I envied them, the love and support they had. Sure I was slightly being dramatic. I had James, Gabs and Brent but it felt as if there wasn’t enough. They didn’t understand nor did they know. I couldn’t tell them. They were unaware of what I needed.

I was unaware.

I found myself multiple times daily daydreaming of Luke. But that was all it was; daydreaming. I didn’t hear from Luke once. Unless he tried calling I wouldn’t know, I had turned off my phone left somewhere I didn’t even know. My Facebook was also ignored, I didn’t want to know the gossip swirling. He knew where I lived though, it was no excuse. Yet this was what I wanted, right? So why was it the only comfort for me imagining myself back in Luke’s gentle embrace?

I think deep down I already knew the answer….

It was a warm wispy day as I stood in my black skinny jeans with my white singlet and a loose gray cardigan. I'd decided to go for a walk and absorb some well need sun and vitamin D. it was boring and empty at home. I found myself choking with the need to breathe, to feel alive again like that other night on the tire swing. I needed it I just didn’t know how to reach it.

Pulling the cardigan around my tiny frame I found myself at the football field. It was empty. I could just imagine couples out bathing in the sun, laughing, smiling and alive. Loving how winter was over and they could now step out and break free. I envied them, that.

Sitting down on a single bench I let my eyes close and the sun caress my face. I was warmed and peaceful, I found an inner tranquility in myself that I never knew I still held and I cherished whilst it was still there.

Opening my eyes I glanced out at the field, my mind wandering back to the football field, my body tensed as I thought of Jake hugging me that night and instantly that night crept up and clung to me like sickly grime. Breathless I searched for something to soothe my now trembling figure. What happened afterwards….? That’s right, Luke came over and I learnt his name and he invited me to the footy party.

On queue his hand gently sat on my shoulder ceasing my trembling figure. He squeezed my shoulder gently; his warmth and touch sending my body alight. “Izzy it’s okay.” He cooed.

But it wasn’t, not at all.

Suddenly my body tensed and I stood up, Luke’s hand slipping from my shoulders. I was freaked, completely and utterly antsy. So I did what I should have learnt to do years ago; I walked away.

“Iz!” he called, the sound of his feet telling me he was following me quickly. “Izzy!” he tried again. I just continued to ignore him, not looking anywhere near his eyes, he was like those fantasies; one look into his eyes and I’d turn to stone. Or in my world mush. “Hey, it’s okay.” He tried soothing gently as he continued to follow as I weaved myself around the trees at the field.