∞мιѕѕ. perғecт∞

Prologue.

Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by immoderate food restriction and irrational fear of gaining weight, as well as a distorted body self-perception. It typically involves excessive weight loss and is usually found more in females than in males. Because of the fear of gaining weight, people with this disorder restrict the amount of food they consume. This restriction of food intake causes metabolic and hormonal disorders.

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I wince as I look into the mirror, trying to push the negative thoughts in the back of my mind, but they keep popping up. Turning away my eyes burn of jealousy and tears, wishing I could be the girl people want to stare at all day. The girl with a curvy body, and a flat rock hard stomach.

We all have flaws, no doubt. But I have one too many, as other girls are scratching the surface of perfection I'm here stuck at rock bottom. I haven't done anything in my life and I'm only 17. When can I do something exciting or something that makes me feel good? 

I started cutting in grade 9. I cant believe I actually stooped that low, to the point were I pitied  my self so much that I broke the barrier between my skin and blood, to let it flow freely down my wrist. I fight the urge to do it now. Occasionally I'll find it in my shower, but I've stopped it on my wrists. I wish I could say the same for my damaged, scarred, ugly legs, but I'd be lying if I did.

My Anorexia just recently started. I don't eat for days, and when I do its only a bit. I'm so utterly disappointed with what I've done to my body, sometimes I think cutting my breath short forever would be a good idea, but then I remind myself about what I think about suicide, how selfish it is and how lost I would be if one of my friends or family ended their life. Not that anyone cares about ole me anyways.

I hate how when I lay in bed I can hear the children on my street laughing and playing, disconnecting my self from the world, I just sit there in a pool of self pity. Everyone craves attention, everyone craves perfection, but why do I of all people have to crave it most? The most horrifying looking person on this planet. I'm so far from perfect, why should I even try? I should give up on it. I need to give up on it. Trying obviously doesn't work very well for me.

All I think about everyday is how happy my parents are, and all of my one friend and the popular girls at school, while I lurk in the halls, ignoring every ones harsh stares. I think I can legitimately say that I'll be forever alone with no doubt. No one will love me. No one loves imperfection, so why should I think I have a chance, a shot at succeeding for once at finding true love?

Having people at school throwing names at me doesn't help either. Scarring me with every syllable that drips from their filthy mouths. But why should I call them filthy? I'm just the ugly  nerd that everyone hates. I'm pretty sure even my only friend in school is starting to get sick of me, I just don't know how longer I can take this misery.

I know I cant be Miss. Perfect, and I know I wont even scratch the surface. Hell, I wont even reach middle to the top of the surface, in some ways I can move on, I need to. I need to move on from the hate, the insecurities and not give a damn about what other people think about me. I am who I am. But whenever I announce this little speech of self confidence in my head, I just push it back where it stays, wishing that the insults I pelt myself would do the same but we don't always get what we want, especially not me, so what should I expect, a perfect face with no flaws, no freckles, or the couple of pimples lining my forehead? A curvy flat, stomach, thick, soft hair? There's some reality in my life, unlike those weird fan fictions where 'Niall falls into love with Lizzie after looking at her from across the street' yeah, whenever I see those, I scoff and laugh, actually smiling for once.

I love One Direction, I do, but I don't go writing impossibly unrealistic fan fictions about them. I'm dedicated, but I don't stalk them. I don't understand how some fans can be so rude, and hate. I mean if you love them, and you want them to love you or at least like you or want them to wanna meet you, don't you wanna be nice to the damn celebrity? I sure as hell would, I mean who would give up a chance to meet Harry Styles, I love that damn boy.

But if I were to ever meet him, yeah right, then he would run away screaming bloody murder, that would make my self consciousness even higher. Maybe I should just stick to talking to the posters..

Even then the posters are probably in misery, how? I don't know, they just are somehow. Forced to stare at my porcelain skin, ratty brown hair, my light blue eyes. Thinking about it I kind of like my eyes, but only the color, them being the shape of almonds, bringing out my Hawaiian in me.

I have many different back rounds so you could call me a mutt. I'm Irish, Scottish, Romanian, Austrian, German, Hawaiian, Czechoslovakian, and even a bit of Chinese/Asian. Some of these are really small parts, though, so I barley pick up traits of them.

I know others out in the world have it way worse than me, and I that I actually have a home and loving parents, but I cant stop thinking about how horrible my life is and pitiying myself. I'm a pathetic piece of shit, and I dont derserve a spot on this earth, just like they say at school.

My hatred towards my self grows stronger and stronger every day, my love and affection everyone needs for themselves shrinking, dissolving into mid air. I sit in this empty house every weekend, school every week, drowing in my own pity, and misery. 

My Anorexia has been helping my confidence grow, inch by inch every day, to the point where I actually feel healthy and pretty, but Im still disapointed with myself, because  I know I'll always be the same me, ugly, scarred and fat.

Someday, I hope I can reach a little further to being Miss. Perfect.

If you like this and want me to keep going, comment!

Btw I know Chrissy Costanza doesn't have blue eyes, and most of the pictures on the side aren't blue but use your imagination xD