Stay With Me

Letters to No One

2 Months in a Coma-

I woke up alone in bed.  I rolled over to the cold and empty other half of my bed.  It had been two months since Killian was in a coma and I was losing any hope I had quickly.  Why couldn't I just have my happy ending?  Apparently it's too much to ask for.  Everyone treated me differently since they knew that Killian was in a coma.  No one knew I was pregnant except for my parents, which I had alienated after that day in the hospital.  These days I really only talked to Henry.  I preferred to be alone.  Not even Henry knew I was pregnant, I didn't know how he would react.  Most of my time was spent at the docks and the beach, thinking of what could've been. I groaned and got out of bed.  The box on my desk caught my attention.  I walked to it and opened it.  After about a week of Killian being in a coma, I lost most of my hope. I started writing him letters.  Somehow it felt like I could get to him.  I missed him so much.  Also in the box was all of my ultrasound pictures so far.  I looked at the little blob that was my, our, child.  A tear fell from my eye. Graham, Walsh, Neal, Killian.  I guess I could now add him to my list of people that died because of me.  I fell to the floor crying.  I was just a soggy heap of tears.  My life was such a mess, all because of the stupid wardrobe.  Resentment, built up anger, sadness, loneliness... It all plagued me.  These were the times when I wrote to him.  I wrote every day, along with visiting him every day.  If I wasn't at the docks, then I was roaming the hospital.  Walking the halls, listening to the obnoxious, yet satisfying, buzz of the fluorescent lights.  I took out my pen and the paper I had in my drawer.  Sitting down, I then started to write.

Dear Killian,

I'm starting to lose all of my hope.  I never had much to begin with, and for that, I apologize.  I just want you to wake up, to be beside me when I wake, to lay beside me when I sleep.  I need the assurance that you will be okay.  I don't know how much longer I can wait.  I miss our moonlit walks by the beach, our quiet dinners at random restaurants, your kisses.  Life without you is unbearable.  It isn't even life.  I'm barely getting by... I'm surviving, but I'm not living.  Because I can't live if I'm not with you.  Damn you, Killian Jones.  How could a pirate like you come and destroy my walls I took so long to build?  How could my heart even be capable of love this strong?  However it happened, you accomplished a feat almost unknown to man.  I haven't told anyone about the baby yet.  I was waiting for you to wake up.  I don't get out much right now.  I'm only two months along, easily concealable with a fluffy sweater.  Everyone is worried for me, and I hate them for that. I can take care of myself... That's what I thought. Now I realize, I can't. You're the only one that can take care of me. Killian please. I need you. I can't even fathom living without you any longer.                                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                              Your truest love,

                                                                                                                                                           Swan

Killian's condition had been worsening throughout the two months.  The doctors were always holding something back from me, I was deathly terrified I would lose him. His heart rate was dropping, and the circles under his eyes became darker and more hollow.  I was going to go in later today for my ultrasound and to see him.  I sighed a deep breath folded up the letter.  I looked around my room until my eyes fell on the golden compass.  Last month, I had went to Mr. Gold's shop and asked if I could have the compass.  It was how we met, when I despised him and he loved me.  I laughed and sobbed at the same time and walked over to it.  Holding it in my hands, I made a wish.  Killian Jones, I wish you would wake up.  I just need to be with you.  Just then, I heard my phone ringing from the nightstand.  I looked to see who it was, the hospital.

[Sorry for the extremely long period of time where I was a loser.  I promise to update more.  I'll keep this short since I don't think anyone ever reads these anyways.  So, the hospitals calling?  Good or bad?]