Dear Diary...

LotR & miso mini rant

So i started reading Tolkien's The Hobbit....

This is so random i don't even know why i'm posting this.

Today i finished my AP psychology project and tomorrow i go to school. Then i am going to go to a field trip on Thursday again.

I think i'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow morning, idk. I'm kind of scared to see how much i've gained.
Today i ate the food my mom ate plus crackers and a yogurt, i'm so fat.

Tomorrow i'll continue with my original plan.
Blah, i can't sleep. It's autumn so i can't turn on the fan and i share a room with my older sister. She breathes loudly and i have misophonia and i can't stand it so i have to wear earphones even though they make my ears ache and i just can't sleep.

I hate this condition. I want to be normal. I want to do normal things like be able to actually enjoy eating with my family. I feel like a brat. And i know i chew loudly and i also make noises and i'm probably a hypocrite but i can not help it. I didn't choose this. I want to get over it too, i seriously do. So i'm sorry, for turning away and seeming like i dislike you. Sorry for always getting out of the room when you walk in and sit down. I do want to be with you, but i don't want to hurt you even worse by instinctively lashing out at you with words. And i can't tell you this, because you don't understand. You don't even try to.

I tell you i have misophonia and you laugh it off. We have one of those rare talks and you tell me to talk to you whenever i want, about anything. But then you say except about how you eat, because it's how you are and you won't change. Well guess what dad? Me too. This is how i am. I cannot change no matter how much i want to. And what i have is REAL. It's not just something i made up. You tell me i have to be more tolerant, but you don't even try to understand how i feel by letting me explain. I can't talk to you if you don't let me. So i won't. I have enough trouble as it is to express anything i feel, even joyfullness. You can't expect me to open up if you tell me that you won't change.