Dear Diary...

Sorry

So i think that i'm going to log out of wattpad for a while, i don't know how long. I just need to get myself back to reality and fix myself up.

Today my mom had one of those talks with me. She told me that she was tired of me acting indifferent to everything except what i like. That i always lock myself in my room and act as if i were pissed at everyone.
She said she didn't know what to do to make me stop acting that way, to stop getting angry so easily.

She asked me if i wanted to be given up to adoption, to go to an orphanage, because i was acting unhappy all the time. And that hurt, so bad. I mean, am i really such a burden to them? Am i that easily disposable? I know she probably didn't mean it, but if she said that it means that she actually CONSIDERED IT, even for a moment. And it's really upsetting because it is true that maybe they would be better off without me. The only thing that makes them "proud" of me is my grades in school. Other than that i have a bad attitude and don't know how to do anything.

My mom also told me if i wanted a psychologist.

Let me repeat that: a shrink.

Because i don't know how to talk to people, not even my family. She said that i have issues i need to deal with in order to stop being the way i am.
She even asked me if i was bullied at school, if that was why i act the way i do. It is depressing to think that that is how severe my attitude towards everything is. But i don't mean it, it's not purposefully that i ignore them. It's just that i don't know how to respond.
Am i crazy for considering this? Do i actually need a psychologist? I mean, how severe is my condition? I know i bottle up alot of things, and have problems expressing myself. Not just my emotions, but what i want to say. I start saying something and then i'll say "nevermind," because i think it's unimportant and they'll just make fun of what i said. Maybe i'm scared of being criticized, and being told that what i say has no importance to them. But i'm not sure, i don't want them to waste their money even more on me. And it would be awkward to spill everything out to some stranger.

I wish i was like my older sister. She is smart, athletic, has a good humor, is being more independent, and knows how to talk to different people. She is basically everything i am not. I think i'm a bad daughter, and a bad sister. That is being completely truthful, not sugarcoating it. I sometimes ignore them and don't hang out with them much. Plus i don't talk to them about personal things. For some reason i always close up when i feel like telling them something, like my misophonia for example. I feel like maybe i am scared of what they'll tell me, or that they will just dismiss what i said, they've done it before. Idk, it's always awkward to talk about some things.

I'm not blaming my parents, but ever since i was very little i was brought up kind of strictly i guess. They told us not to cry, and even then i didn't make alot of friends. I think that's why i am used to being alone and not showing my true emotions.
So overall i have to change. If not for me then at least so i stop hurting my family.

So i guess it's goodbye for now.
Ha! Who am i kidding, it's not like people will even miss me. But who knows, maybe during this time i'll spontaneously gain hundreds of readers.

Until next time, or never. Bye

12/17/15 (Dec. 17, 2015)