Hate & Love

thirty.one

I go back to the hospital, our Uber was outside he's actually just like our driver for the day.

"Can you take me back to the hospital and then the airport" I ask

airport.

I pull out my phone and call Monty

"Hey?" She answers

"Hey I'm coming back, I'm not okay and I want to be alone." I say fast

"What do you mean you want to be alone?"

"I don't know, y'all can stay at my house but I don't want to be around anyone, maybe I'll stay in a hotel or something I don't fucking know" I'm so mad right now for no reason

"Wait what's wrong? What happened?"

"I don't know Monty, I just called to tell you I'll be in California soon but I just want to be alone" I sigh and hang up

I know isolating myself isn't a good idea, I just don't know what else to do.

I'm just going to go check on Johnson and his family then I'm leaving.

I start looking for flights and luckily there's one in about an hour and a half which gives me enough time.

"You okay?" The uber asks

"Not at all, I just want to get as far away from certain people as I can." I say not making eye contact

"I hope you feel better, not to be weird but I know who you are through social media and I know the last few months have probably been hell for you, you deserve to take some time to heal yourself mentally." This guy is a guy by the way

"Thank you, I just wish I knew how"

"Well you already live in California, I'm from there and surfing helped me through a lot, shit if you have the money go to Hawaii, just do something for yourself." He smiles

"I love the water, just never have time to go and do things I'm always doing what everyone else does."

"Then stop, do something for you. Seriously" he say as he pulls up to the hospital

"I will thank you, I'm going to run in, twenty minutes tops" I smile

He just nods and smiles back.

-

I get to the floor and I see Jacks mom

"Autumn?" She asks

"Hi" I say and hug her

"What are you doing?"

"I came to check on him, before I leave..." I say the last part quietly

"Leaving?" She asks surprised

"Yeah I just- so much has happened the last few days and I really just don't feel mentally okay- I'm just- I'm not okay" I say and start crying

She embraces me and just holds me

She grabs my face

"Honey you are so strong, but even strong people break. Jack told us all about you and Gilinsky and I was so upset with him and truth be told I never liked Ms. Beer but my Jack is fond of you, he loves you so much and he told us about you before G even could. You are so loved by those two and Shawn I just want you to know we love you too. And we're thankful for the friendship you have with the Jacks and how much you love and care for them" she smiles

"I love them so much" I laugh with tears streaming down my face "but as much as I love G- I- I'm still hurt and a piece of me wants to hate him, a piece of me does hate him and Jack is just Jack and I could never do nothing but love him and to see him like this, it just hurts he doesn't deserve it . Also...Shawn and I broke up"

She just sits there silently

"Let's go check on him" she says and grabs my hand

We walk back to his room

"Our update we got this morning is he could have amnesia when he wakes but it's not definite, his recovery will be long, but the best part of the update is he responded today to the doctor, the doctor asked Jack if he could hear him to move his fingers and he did!" She said filled with joy "I'll leave you alone with him" and she walks out

I sit by a chair next to jacks bed, he's still all hooked up to machines and practically looks like a mummy with how much he's bandaged

"Hey Johnson, it's autumn, I've been here since I found out, you know I hate flying but you made me fly out here" I laugh and grab his hand "these last few days have been an emotional roller coaster, I wish you could just give me advice and make me feel like I'm not losing my shit, I don't know how but you always say the right things" I feel tears "I hate seeing you like this, I- I would much rather it be me than you laying here, fuck Johnson I hate this, just wake up please" I say and cry "I'm fine, I just want you to be fine, one last update and I'll stop bitching to you, don't be mad at shawn when you wake up- actually do be please" I laugh "we broke up...he cheated on me...but I'll be okay, I just need you to wake up bud" I say and lean my head down on his thigh "I love you" I say and kiss his hand and close my eyes and just lay there

When I do I feel his hand twitch and he tries to squeeze my hand

"Oh my gosh! Johnson I felt you, I felt you don't strain yourself, I know you hear me" I say and cry with excitement

His doctor comes in fast

"Did he move again?" He asks

"Yes! Yes he did!" I say and just hold his hand

"That's the second time, he did once with his mom around but not for anyone else except you now! That must mean he remembers you-"

"He moved again!" I say interrupting the doctor

"That's great, we're going to have to run tests soon so we'll be coming for him, but enjoy your time with him" the doctor pats my back and walks out

"Johnson, I'm going back to California, I hope you're okay with that, if you're not better in two weeks I'll be back okay? Wait can you try to flip me off if it's okay that I go?" I ask with a laugh and he raises his middle finger slightly but just enough for me to see it

"I love you so much, you're doing so good for all of your injuries Jack, I know you'll be the same crazy ass Johnson when you wake up, and I hope I'm around for that, I love you I love you I love you" I say and kiss his head and linger there for a minute

I check the time I've been up her way longer than twenty minutes

"I'm off" I say to Johnson's mom

"Be safe honey, we will keep you updated" she smiles and hugs me

"I will, I'll see you soon" I say and hug her and walk toward the elevators

A piece of me wants to stay with Johnson but I can already hear Johnson telling me to "get the hell out" so I'm just going to go home and do Lord knows what but do something for myself.

-

Was this boring? Felt like it was boring.