Cracking Zeenath

To Evelyn: Star Light, Star Bright

Hey Evelyn,

Do you remember the day you showed me your star? The imprints of our existence written in the sky.

      We were young, maybe three or four years old. It was that day when your parents dropped you off at my house because they were going somewhere and would be home late. We were so excited, you and I. You were going to stay at my house for a long time! Which little children aren't excited at something like that?

      I remember we inhaled our dinner fast so we could go play again. For the first time, neither you nor I made a huge fuss over having to eat our vegetables. We just switched them when my parents weren't looking. I liked spinach, you liked broccoli. So, I gave you my broccoli, and you gave me your spinach. It was the best trade-off I've ever had. This way, we didn't have to make a fuss.

     I remember I dropped a piece of broccoli on the floor while trying to pass it into your plate. Then Mom turned around and asked Dad something, so I didn't have time to pick it up. You kicked it with your foot to the other side. Then we giggled nervously, trying to finish our food quickly and run out before we get caught.

     I remember we did play a lot afterwards. Then we decided to follow Dad outside where he was talking to a neighbor. It was warm that night. We sat down and played with the grass, pulling out blades we really liked. Because every blade was different. Then you looked up at the glittering stars and stared at them for a while.

"You know what my mom told me?" you asked.

I was too preoccupied with the torn grass blades to care. "Hmm? Who?"

"My mommy." You looked across at me before going back to staring at the night sky. "She told me I have my very own star."

I paused in the middle of scattering the grass over my head. "You what? You can't own a star, silly. They live in the sky." I laughed. 

You made a noise and shook your head. "Yes I do," you insisted. "Mommy told me I do."

I turned to you. "Yeah? Well which one is it?"

"Umm..." You put a finger up to your chin, pretending to think hard. Then you pointed to the sky. "That one."

I frowned. "Which one? I don't see it."

You laughed and pointed again. "You see that? That star. It's the one next to the biggest, brightest star in the sky."

"Hmph. Who owned the biggest one?"

"Nobody. Mommy said that star belongs to everyone. Nobody is allowed to own that one."

"Why?" I brushed the grass off my hair and my dress. This was more interesting.

"Because they can't. I just told you. You aren't allowed to!" You looked at me like I was a child who wasn't going to listen.

"I want a star!" I said earnestly. "Which one's mine?"

You thought hard, staring at the sky before raising your hand and pointing again. "That one."

"Huh? I don't see it." I looked at the sky, searching for my star.

"It's the one next to mine. On the left," you said, pointing right.

"Oh, I see it." I smiled. My very own star.

"Mommy says they are the brightest stars in the sky. They're part of a constipation called The Big Droopy." You told me, proud of being able to pass on your knowledge to me.

"Cool," I was in awe, staring wide-eyed at the sky. The Big Droopy. Cool.

I heard Mom calling me from inside the house. It was time to go to bed. I shot up from the grass and bolted toward the door. "Hey Mom. Guess what? I have a star in The Big Poopy!" I shrieked.

I heard you sigh, and could almost see you rolling your eyes like an adult. "It's the Big Droopy, not the Big Poopy..." You sighed again, trailing after me into the house. I wasn't getting it.

      I'm sitting next to the window as I write this. I still catch myself searching for the Big Dipper before I go to sleep. I catch myself searching for our stars. I did it a few minutes ago too. I looked for our stars. I can't see all of them, but I can see part of the Big Dipper. It's peeking over the top of the next building, just barely twinkling over the glare of the suburban building lights. I'm cold right now, so I brought my blanket over to the window. I was cold the day they buried you, too. I looked up at the sky that night, searching for you, looking for any sign that you were still here.

I didn't find your star that night.

~Zeenath.