Cracking Zeenath

To Noel.

To Noel.

Oh, God. 

What am I even supposed to write to you?

  I miss you, Noel.

     I miss you. You and your smile, always making me feel better when I felt like crying. The way you'd throw your head back and laugh, this warm, rich laugh like hot coffee. The way you'd put your hands behind your head when you were sitting, or how you never backed down from a challenge, always going through with it even if you knew you were going to lose. You were like an older brother to me. And I miss you, I really do.

      I don't know what I plan on doing without you. You were always there to guide me, even if you didn't know it. I remember playing hide-and-seek when we were little, during that outdoor party where your parents had invited everyone in the neighborhood to your house. It was sunny, with little puffball clouds floating in the sky. You, Nick, Evelyn, and I were running around the backyard playing tag, remember?

     We kept running under tables and hiding under the large white tablecloths, hoping the others wouldn't catch us. Then all of a sudden, one of us would poke their head under the table, and we would shriek and run away. That's how small we were.

     I remember how, after you had caught me for the fifth time that day, you didn't let go of my arm and made me slow to a stop, both of us breathing hard. I looked back at you and you grinned, the sweat running down the sides of your face in rivulets. "Let's play hide-and-seek! I'm getting tired of running after you. You're too slow. You get caught every time."

I looked at you and frowned, still breathless. "I don't run slow!"

You tried to roll your eyes, mimicking the adults. "Yes, you do. Come on, let's go get the other two and play hide-and-seek," you said, and ran off into the crowd to go find them.

      I followed you reluctantly, but I got caught up in the game and forgot that I was supposed to be mad at you. You were "It" first and you turned toward the fence, counting. "Ten, nine, eight, seven.."

The rest of us dispersed in fits of giggles to go hide.

     I ran inside the house and hid behind the big flower pot near the staircase, curling my legs up against my chest and wrapping my arms tightly around myself while I waited for you to find me. I could feel my heart beating, and I remember thinking that Mom wouldn't be too pleased with the way I had gotten grass stains on my new summer dress. I shut my eyes tightly, thinking that if I couldn't see you, you couldn't see me. I waited, not daring to move in case you saw. But you didn't come. I waited for a long time, and nothing. I eventually heard your voice in the other room talking to your mom about something, probably about not running around the house during a party. Then you were gone. I didn't hear anything else, and so I sat behind my flower pot and waited.

       Eventually, I crawled out from my hiding spot and went out to search for you. I found you sitting outside playing peek-a-boo with someone's baby. I fold my arms and stalked over to you, mad that you hadn't come looking for me. I was an irritable child when I was little, and you just weren't making my day. When you looked up, you stared at me and your eyes widened as you caught on before I said anything.

"Were you still hiding?"

I glared at you. "I was waiting for you," I said, tears threatening to fall as I stood in front of you. "You didn't come."

My voice quivered at the end and you noticed and immediately stood up.

"I'm sorry, Zeenath. I thought Nick told you. Evie had to leave, so we all stopped playing the game."