Cracking Zeenath

To Nick: I'm Captain Of A Sinking Boat

A/N: That's Nick up there. Feel free to imagine them however you want. This is just what I think he'd look like. Kind of. 

"I'm captain of this sinking boat now,

with just one armband to carry me home."

~Shirtsleeves, Ed Sheeran

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To Nick.

I think I'm ready now.

I'll finish this.

I liked you, Nick.

I really liked you,and everyone knew it. But hey, dummy. Everyone knew it but you.

From your dirty blonde hair and teasing eyes to your crooked smile, loud carefree laugh. From the way you talked, walked, and held up your head like nothing could bring you down. I liked you, Nick.

     I remember the moment I lost you too. It was the day I introduced Ericka to you all. I had dragged her from our regular bench at the lunch table because our schedules at school were mixed up because of testing, and for that one day, we all had lunch together. Even Noel, though he was a grade ahead of us. I remember he was sitting with his friends, goofing off, but then decided to come over and meet "the new kid."

I remember telling you all her name. "This is Ericka. Say hi! And don't do something stupid to scare her off. Nick, you dummy."

And you didn't hear me. You said hi, trying to act like you normally did, but your smile was a bit too wide, your cheeks a little more flushed than normal. You were a goner.

I looked over at Ericka, who only had eyes for you.

You were a goner, and so was she, and that's the end of it, really. I lost you in two and a half seconds to a girl you barely knew. I saw it happen, the change in your eyes and knew that was it. You were gone.

Evelyn used to tell me that I needed to tell you my feelings eventually, or someone else would take the chance. But I waited too long, didn't I? Kept my mouth shut for just one more second and that's all it took.

Goodbye. That was it.

      I glanced at Evelyn and felt the piercing split second of understanding passing from her sharp eyes to mine before I looked away. She knew you well too. But I didn't want pity. So I made myself a glass mask. One only you could see. Used it whenever you saw me, took it off when you left. So seamlessly, you didn't notice.

     I remember the first time you met me at my cliffside. I was sitting with my feet over the edge, not wanting to go home to an empty house, just thinking about you and speak of the devil. You appeared. You sat down next to me like it was the most natural thing in the world. I silently put on my little glass mask with a sigh, and turned to you. I knew what this was going to be about. It wasn't any different that it was in middle school, when you dated random girls for the heck of it. I remember there was once a little rumor going around that you liked me too. I don't even remember who told me. But I believed it. Every single part of it. And I was so happy, I could have flown.

I remember noticing every time you smiled at me. Every time our fingers brushed against each other. They say you only see what you want to see, and that was me by definition.

Nick, Nick, I stepped on a crack. But instead of breaking my mother's back, I broke my heart.

     I put too much on us, even though there was never an "us." Maybe that's why I was hurt. I put my heart out on a line that didn't exist. I've learned now. You don't do that. You do that, and you have no one to blame when the ground is pulled from under your feet and the pieces of your hope are turned against you like knives into your chest.

I was flying back then. But like everything, what goes up must come crashing down.

Evelyn once made a joke while we were sitting at the lunch table.

"I've heard you've gone out with every girl in the school. But you missed out a few of us," She crossed her legs and glanced at me. "Who's next? Zeenath?"

I looked up sharply at her. Shut up, stupid.

She winked at me and shrugged, sticking out her tongue before you looked up from your food.

And you know what you did? You laughed.

You took your aim.

"Zeenath?" You raised your eyebrows and looked at Evelyn. "What's wrong with you?"

That struck me like a bullet.

Fire away, fire away.

"No, don't be stupid," you frowned.

Fire away, fire away.

You looked at me. "Love you like a sister," you smiled. I rolled my eyes, forcefully stretching a smile across my face.

I used rubber bands and steel to keep that thing up.

Fire away, fire away.

Your words ripped through me. Sister. That's even worse than being friendzoned. I was sister-zoned.

You don't get out of that. Ever. Nick, you dummy.

The day you came to me, I put on my mask and turned to you.

"Hey Zeenath."

I waved at you then puffed out my cheeks, slowly releasing my breath into the air and stared across the ditch, waiting for the worst.

You leaned back on your hands and relaxed. I curled up my fists and waited.

It went like it always would. You sat and talked about Ericka and I closed my eyes, seeing the incoming bullets shred through me once again as I watched myself bleed it out. Bleed it out. It'll stop eventually. Form a scar.

Eventually, you asked me something. I'd release a breath I didn't realize I was holding and turn to you, putting away my feelings into a little box in my head while I focused my attention on the problem in front of me. I'd pretend it wasn't you I was talking to.

We talked a bit more, about Ericka and other things in general, then you left. With a smile and a pat on the shoulder or high-five before you walked away again, as usual.

     I realized I was clenching my hands. Hard. When you left, I opened them up and looked at my palms. There were little crescent-shaped cuts on them from my fingernails. They were deep enough that I drew blood from one of the cuts on my left hand. I watched a little bead of red draw a line down my palm and the side of my wrist. Another one followed soon after. I sighed, and put my hand out over the edge and watched two crimson rubies drop off my hand into the incoming darkness below.

Bleed it out.

Bleed it out.

It'll stop eventually.

Just like my little cuts.

Form a scar.

And I'd sing softly, I am Titanium.

~Zeenath.

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I hope you all enjoyed the chapter! Tell me what you think! What would you have done? Should she have even introduced Ericka? Or told Nick?

Should she even be thinking about it now,after it's all over? :)

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Drop a comment below, or just click the little star somewhere on the page to vote! Am I doing my job right?

See you on Friday! :)

~October!