Cracking Zeenath

To Evelyn: Shine

      Hey Evelyn. I've been thinking about you. What am I saying, I'm always thinking about you. But this time is different. I've been thinking about all the crazy things we've done together. It's been a while since I wrote a letter to you, and I feel guilty about that. But I don't forget you. You're always there, in the back of my mind. Every time I see something, I start to wonder, "What would Evelyn do?" or "How would Evelyn react?" and it kills me all over again because you're not here, and I'll never know.

       Hey Evelyn, do you remember that time we were over at Nick and Noel's house, helping their mom make dinner? We were so small we could barely see over the countertops. The kitchen had seemed huge, we were so close to the white-tiled floor. I remember trying to push myself up by grabbing on to the sides of the counters. I wanted to see what their mom was making but all I could see was the bottom of an orange bowl sitting on the countertop.

     I remember we kept bugging her until she decided it was okay for us to help her make the last few meatballs for dinner. We were having spaghetti and meatballs. Looking back, this was a terrible idea. But I guess she wanted us out of her hair for a while.

      We all lined up to wash our hands first, stepping on the pale green stool she'd put in front of the sink so we could reach the water pouring from the tap. Even Noel ended up having to use the little step stool, standing on his tip toes in order to reach the sink. We splashed water all over the place, trying to wash our hands.

      Then Mrs. Lane brought down the orange bowl, with a little bit of cooked meat in it. We could make one each, and she'd fry it afterwards. We each took a little piece and fumbled around with it, making it look more like a pancake than a ball. I giggled as mine got smeared all over my hands. That's when Noel started. Ask me anytime, and I'll still tell you what happened next what his fault. His and yours.

"On top of spaghetti, all covered in cheese..." he drawled.

Then you got in on it. "I lost my poor meatball..."

"When somebody sneezed!" Nick finished.

We all giggled and started singing.

"It rolled under the table!"

"And onto the floor!"

"And then my poor meatball!"

Noel looked at me. "C'mon Zeenath!"

I forgot about the meat in my hands as I spread out my arms and shrieked. "Rolled out of the door!"

We erupted into fits of laughter, and it all went to Hell from there.

You shrieked when your foot landed on some water and you fell, coming down like a giant. But you weren't going down alone. You spread out your hands and smeared the ground up meat on my cheek. I screamed and fell backwards flailing. You'd landed on your hands and knees, laughing.

Noel, my knight in shining armor, came to my defense. Sort of. He emptied his hands all over Nick's shirt. "Take that!"

Nick raged and ran at Noel and the two become tangled in a fist-fight, rolling out of the kitchen and into the living room. I stared at them, wide-eyed as I wiped my cheek. I looked at you, and you grinned at me. "Look what we've done!"

"It's a mess!"

"It's gah-lorious!" You were so happy you didn't even say it right. Glorious. You sat back and giggled, the sound of chairs being pushed aside in the background.

I heard the sound of Mrs. Lane rushing into the dining room to stop Nick and Noel. Then she came into the kitchen with both of them in tow. Nick's shirt was askew, and Noel's was completely missing, his hair tousled and sticking up at odd angles as he grinned from ear to ear.

You and I were sprawled across the floor, you in the middle with a mess clung to your hair and shirt. Me sitting against the cupboard door with messy arms and a cheek I was desperate to clean up.

Needless to say, we all got yelled at. No spaghetti for us and we all were ordered to take a shower.

I remember sitting on Noel's bed a while later, swinging my legs over the side.

"You know, if you hadn't fallen, we wouldn't have gotten in trouble."

You turned around from the mirror and made a face at me. "If I wasn't for me, we'd have gotten boring old spaghetti and meatballs for dinner."

Not wanting to be shown up, I made a face back at you. "If you hadn't done that, we wouldn't have a mess."

"It's all Noel's fault!" You crossed your arms and frowned.

I copied you. "Yeah. All Noel's fault!" Then I looked at you. "And yours."

You made a grab at me as I hopped off the bed and ran out the door, giggling. You couldn't catch me when we were all supposed to be "reflecting on our behavior," according to Mrs. Lane. (Mrs. Pain, you'd called her. I'd sat terrified that she'd heard. She hadn't.)

      Those were the days, Evelyn. Those were the days. When no one had any old problems, and the worst that we could fathom was a Time-Out. You know, I keep thinking about you. How you'd dance like no one was judging. How you'd live like nothing could hurt you. How you'd tilt your head back and laugh like nothing could bring you down.

There's someone like you here at college.

His eyes shine bright like yours, his laugh just as wild. He knows how to live life like nothing can stop him. He knows how to live life like you.

He drank prune juice a while ago, and was plagued with diarrhea. That's something you would do, isn't it.

Every time I see him, I start to wonder how it would've been if you two had met. That would have been an explosion to rival the Big Bang. I have no doubt you two would've gotten along.

And that makes me miss you even more.

     But there's no point in thinking about the "would have's" and "what if's" is there. I was looking at my growing pile of unsent letters a while ago. Half of them are for you. And you know what I realized? Even if I do send them on, I'll still be left with half of them. Because I can't send them back to you. You aren't here.

One day, when these letters turn brown and curled up at the edges, when the ink starts to fade and blur, when the paper crinkles under my fingertips, I'll still wonder where you are.

Evie, where'd you go?

Why'd you leave so quickly?

So quickly that the last thing I remember is your face, smiling, until it wasn't. Until you lay, cold and unconscious under the car.

I remember running out and screaming your name. Something cold as ice had settled in my heart that day. This wasn't going to be okay.

     Then I saw your eyes, hollow and dull, and something in me broke. The ice in my heart settled in, making its home among the cracks. Writing this, I can feel my heart pick up speed and the memories flash before my eyes. You on the ground. The flashing red and blue lights, the wails of the police sirens. Somebody  holding me back when I tried rushing to you. You in the hospital. You attached to an oxygen mask, your red hair plastered to your face.

You Gone.

And the wails of a child soon after. We were headed to the hospital that day anyway. But not for this. Not like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Evie, you disappeared on me. You said you'd be here for me but you're not. You're gone, and it's all my fault. I want to tell you I helped everyone else, and that we're all getting through this together. But we're not. I've run away.

You'd be ashamed, Evelyn.

I let you down.

~Zeenath.

****************************************************************

That's Evelyn in the pic up there. What do you think? Is she what you expected?

Please consider dropping a vote/comment my way if you liked the chapter! <3 

Cheers!

~October