Cracking Zeenath

January 7th, 2016: Not My Fault

I spent the morning with Noel, back at the cliff. He found me there and we talked more about everything. Evelyn's death. The accident. Me running away.

"It's really not your fault you know."

I huffed. "Why does everyone keep saying that? If I hadn't told her to come, she wouldn't even have gotten hurt."

Noel frowned. "Do you realize even Ericka doesn't blame herself anymore, and she's the one who pushed the accelerator? Shit happens. If she hadn't died that way, you can't be sure she would still be with us. She may have just passed away another way. At least this way, she had you two there."

"The last thing she saw was my face..."

"Exactly. She got hurt around you. If you weren't there, who knows what would've happened? Stop blaming yourself so much. It's almost a year later. Learn to move on, Zeenath."

He passed a hand around.

"Look at us. We're all getting through it. The world hasn't stopped, has it?"

"Yeah..but we broke up. All five of us. Do you remember how close we were before that?"

Noel sighed, and pursed his lips.

"You know she was anorexic, right?"

I winced. "Yes. That's why she was getting skinnier every day...If I'd--"

"Stop that. You couldn't have done anything about it if you tried. She did that to herself, and eventually it killed her. She's human too, Zeenath. We all have flaws."

He gritted his teeth. "If she had been eating well, like she was supposed to, maybe she wouldn't have been hurt so badly she died because of it. Her body was weak."

"I know." I leaned my head on his shoulder and he patted my back.

"She was the one who kept us all together though. And now look at us. We're all separated. I'm not even talking to all of you."

"Listen, Zeenath. You're being an idiot again. Evelyn was never the one who kept us together. You were. You were the one who always kept us together. That's why we fell apart when we did. We didn't stop talking when Evelyn died, we stopped talking when you started distancing yourself from everyone."

My heart stopped and I got up, confused. "Why me?"

"You were the one who put in the most effort. Maybe it was because we were your family. At least for then. You were the one who always tried to fix things, and as long as you found a way to fix it, the rest of us were okay too." He turned to look at me. "When Nick broke his arm, who called the ambulance? Who kept him calm? You did. When Ericka got that ridiculous haircut and hated it, who calmed her down? Who tried to fixed it, dying it different colors, using different hairstyles? You did. When I cut my hand, you bandaged it. When Evelyn...whenever Evelyn had an issue, she came to you, not anyone else. When Ericka, or I had an issue, we talked to you. Hell, when Nick had his thing with Ericka, he came to you. Even when the moron already had a clue about your feelings."

My heart plummeted. "He did?"
"Of course he did. Not as obviously as we all did. But he did have a clue. You don't hide your feelings well, Zeenath." He shook his head. "That's what happened. Whenever something went wrong, we all defaulted to you. As long as you had it under control, it was going to be okay. If you were fine, we'd be fine too. But when that accident happened..." He trailed off, silent for a moment. "You didn't have it under control. We looked to you to fix it, and you couldn't. You were screaming and crying, and we knew something was wrong. You were breaking and we didn't know it until it was too late. That's your problem, you idiot."