Walking Travesty || CTH

Chapter Twelve

Rachel's P.O.V.

What is self-harm?

Self-harm can be a way of coping with problems. It may help you express feelings you can't put into words, distract you from your life, or release emotional pain. Afterwards, you probably feel better, at least for a little while. But then the painful feelings return, and you feel the urge to hurt yourself again.

What hurts the most is getting over hurting yourself for a long time but suddenly return to it again. We may act strong in front of people but we're actually breaking on the inside. We're not made of stone. Sometime we just snap and in order to calm down we hurt ourselves. It sounds crazy but it'll make sense if you're actually going through what every depressed teenage girl or boy's been through.

How did I cut myself you ask yourselves?

Well, I always keep a razor with me. I don't know why but I just have it in case something happens. I've been trying to be so strong for a long time now and I've been proud of myself for being like this. I just can't believe I snapped like this. Just because some girls called me names. I've been used to it. What changed now?

I know I've disappointed the boys but they have to understand how I'm feeling. It takes time to really stop hurting yourself and to finally accept who you are, so they have to be patient.

After arriving at our hotel and entering our room, Nick took me to the bathroom and made me sit on the toilet seat. He grabbed a towel and wet a small part of it. He then took my hand and cleaned my wounds with it. I flinched at the burning sensation when the towel touched my wounds.

"Sorry." Nick mumbled.

He's mad.

"Nick, I'm so sorr-" I started but got cut off.

"Don't. It's okay. I knew it was going to happen someday but didn't expect it so soon. I thought this tour was going to make you feel better. Obviously not when we haven't had our first show yet and you already hurt yourself!"

"It did! The 5SOS boys and I get along really well and I know I'm going to enjoy this tour. This is what we dreamt for, remember? And I have you guys with me. I couldn't ask for more." I assured him. I felt the tears coming but I refused to let them fall. Not now. Get a grip on yourself Rachel.

"Yes Ray, but look at what just happened. I don't want this to happen again." His voice cracked at the end and he looked down.

I frowned and got down on my knees. I took his head in my hands and made him look at me.

"Please don't cry. I won't do this again, okay? I won't let anyone bring me down. It'll take time but I promise I'll try my best. Just don't cry please." I pleaded. I felt the tears falling before I could stop them.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not crying, see?" He said and gave me a toothy smile. Always the charmer isn't he?

He wiped my eyes and then kissed my forehead. He took my hands and held them tight but not that much so it doesn't hurt me.

"Thank you." I barely whispered. I'm not even sure if he heard me or not.

"That's the least I can do." He hugged me and I could feel him smile.

I'm so glad to have him in my life. I don't know what I would've done without him or Chase and Jonah. These guys have been my rock for as long as I can remember.

A knock on the door brought me back to reality. Nick released himself and looked at me.

"I'll go get it. That must be the boys. How about you lay on your bed for a while? I'm sure they're here to annoy you." He rolled his eyes and I chuckled.