Pure Pain, Excruciating Love

Chapter 29

It's...a....boy.
It's...a boy.
It's a boy.
It...is....a boy.
It's a boy.

My mind won't stop troubling me. The words won't stop. They just won't stop. I don't know what's happening around me. I don't know what's going on. I can see the screen in front of me. I can see the baby on the screen. I just don't know what to make out of everything. Melissa and Ashton are looking at me. I know that. They're both looking at me as if expecting something. Something terrible. I look to Ashton. Our eyes lock together. And that's when I can see the fear and the worry. That's when I finally understand what's going on. Terror, fear, anger, hyperventilation...it all creeps into me altogether. It all holds me there unmoving. I slowly avert my gaze to Melissa.

"Are we done?" I barely hear what I've uttered.

Melissa briefly looks to Ashton, and then she looks back to me and nods. She hands me a few paper towels to remove the gel from my abdomen.

"I'll print some copies and be back quickly."

As the door clicked shut behind her, I sat up and started wiping the sticky gel from my bump, my bump which now seems so prominent. My bump where a baby boy is growing every day. My hands clench the paper towels when I'm done. Breathe.

"C'mon," I hear Ashton's soft voice, and then I notice his outstretched hand.

He helps me off the bed and then leads me to sit at the chairs where we wait silently for Melissa. Ashton knows I will not speak, so he doesn't ask.

Entering the apartment, I tiredly head to our room. I dump my bag onto the ground and then exit to the kitchen. Ashton is standing there with a bottle of water in his hand. Once I'm next to him he hands me the bottle and I gladly accept it. I drink almost half of it, my throat in need of some liquid. Setting it down on the counter, I notice the ultrasound pictures which Melissa had handed to Ashton. My eyes instantly water. But I'm not sure if it is because of the thrill that at some instant hit me or the fear of the "what ifs" that are running wild in my mind.

"You want me to hide them somewhere?" Ashton asks me, his hand finding my own, linking our fingers together.

"No, it's fine," I shake my head, grabbing one of the photos hesitantly.

I could barely make out where the baby is. Something in my chest fluttered. I still can't tell what this feeling is. Instantly, tears started running down my cheeks.

"Samantha," and it only took him to utter my name before I was engulfed in his arms.

I felt safe and comfortable right here, but I couldn't block the chaos that was making me lose my mind.

"Don't do it. Don't let your head spin with outcomes that you think will happen."

I had no idea how he knew what was going on inside me. It wasn't easy to just listen to him and then calm down. It was impossible to stop the thoughts and then outcomes that my mind is crazily making up.

"I can't. I want to but I can't."

Ashton pulled me back, holding me at arms' length.

"I know what you're thinking," Ashton started, "It's a boy, yes. But it isn't Kevin."

This must be the first time Ashton has said his name directly to me after the incident. I've never seen such a dangerous look on his face. I've never seen his eyes in flames when talking about a person.

"He's a human being that's coming into this world with no idea who he is. He doesn't know who his father or who is mother is."

I look up at him, almost convinced. My hand unconsciously touches my abdomen.