Blade (Watty Awards 2013)

Chapter 18

(QUICK A/N- I'm grounded so I have to update from my iPad instead of my laptop. My iPad doesn't have italics or bold so I'm gonna use cap locks instead. Hope it isn't too big a change I'll come back and fix it after I get my laptop back. Thanks to those still reading & I hope you understand)

Chapter 18- 

  When I was little, maybe nine if not ten, Lauren convinced me to smoke a blunt with her. "All the coolest kids do it Lillian." she had insisted holding up the item. "I'm cool and you're my friend therefore you're equally as cool. So you should do it with me."

I didn't argue. The truth was neither Lauren or I were apart of 'that' crowd. Whereas I couldn't care less she couldn't care more. So, she had stolen a neatly rolled blunt from her brother and brought it back to me.

Back then, I would have done anything to keep Lauren smiling. Being 'cool' made her smile. If being 'cool' meant getting high as the moon I would do it for her. I inhaled slowly choking only a couple times. The after effects had my head spinning. I was full on dizzy, but it felt good none-the-less. It felt like bliss. Everything around us had passed in a somewhat peaceful manner.

This is how I feel now. Like I'm in some high induced peace.

Only, this time my high had been caused by the glorious wonders of Santana's lips and not cheap weed. I admit it's been a while since I've smiled like this. You know one of those cheek hurting smiles that makes everyone think your probably the cheeriest person on earth.

I couldn't seem to get my cheeks to behave and knock it, which has both Georgia and my mom giving me weird looks, though mom doesn't look directly at me.

She barely even acknowledges me. So, dinner is silent tonight. It always is. Tonight is different from all the rest though.

I am smiling.    

Mom isn't on her phone.

She's actually putting things into her mouth.

Georgia isn't forcing pills down my throat.

I am strangely relaxed.

Tonight is different indeed. The only thing missing is Dad. I don't expect him to be here anymore than I do any other night. He didn't rush home after Cynthia died, I doubt he will just because his daughter is a bit more mental than he suspected.

Still, I don't let it bug me too much. It's one of the first times I'm actually happy. I refuse to let dad and his nonchalant attitude annoy me.    

Dinner ends so quickly I question if it actually happened. Georgia moves around me like a zombie. Slowly picking up my plate and bringing it back into the kitchen.

I want to help her. I honestly do, but the moment her fingers and mine brush she tenses up. She stopped moving and so did mom. Both of the eying me like they were trying to anticipate my next move.

What did they think I was trying to do? Hurt Georgia or something?

I gulped and let my hand fall and then stare at them. Things resumed almost instantly as if it had only been on buffer for a moment.

Mom takes the last sip of her wine and bids me 'night' and then leaves for her room.

I saw it. In her eyes, I saw it as she left.

Things weren't good between us before and now they might never be.

And Georgia, what did she think of me?

A wash of hurt rolls over me. My happy blissful mood is gone. Vanished like steam in air. At least I still manage to smile, though it's not as big as before.

Georgia allows me to have ice cream for desert. Then she follows me up to my room and waits until I'm up to my chin under my covers to leave, shutting the door quietly behind her.

I welcome the darkness and the quiet and the truth behind all this. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Not with mom, not with Dad, not with Georgia and definitely not with Santana.

The scary part is it, despite what I might think, none of this started with me. I close my eyes praying for sleep to come soon.

"All I want is blackness. Blackness and silence."- Sylvia Plath