WANT TO KNOW A SECRET?

(14)

I read the inscription I now knew by heart after all the hours I'd spent there in the last two years.

Cameron Irks (1998 - 2012)

Beloved son, grandson and friend.

If tears could build a stairway,

And memories a lane,

We'd walk right up to Heaven

And bring you home again.

"Hi, Cam..." I could feel the tears streaming down my face. "Sorry I haven't come in almost four weeks... Things have been pretty crazy for me and well, no that's bullshit! I should have come earlier, I'm sorry." I sniffled. "Don't think for one minute that I've forgotten about you, though... I think about you all the time." I clenched my fists. "Everything constantly reminds me of you... Of the three of us... We were so happy together..." I was full on sobbing now. "I miss that time so much. Things seemed easier, then... Things were always easier when it was the three of us..." I hiccupped. "I'm sorry..." I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie and blew my nose in a tissue. "I know how much you hated to see me cry... You'd give me one of those bear hugs I loved so much and Tom would always join us and I'd end up sandwiched between the two of you..." I giggled. "So much has happened since I last came that I don't know where to start..."

I proceeded to give him a full report of the last few weeks keeping everything Tom-related last.

"If only he told me why you were fighting..." I mumbled. "It would help me understand what caused you to fall the way you did..."

"What the f*ck are you talking about?!" A very angry-looking Tom shouted behind me. I followed him with my eyes as he walked up to where I was sitting and kneeled next to me, a bottle of what looked like whisky in his hand. "Answer me!" He kept shouting and I could smell the strong alcohol in his breath.

"You're drunk..." I pointed out and he clapped with the bottle still in his right hand.

"So what?!" He snapped and leaned down dangerously close to my face. "Do you want a medal for figuring it up?!"

I jerked away from him but he grabbed my arm tightly.

"Answer me, what was that about Cam falling?!" His blue-grey eyes were too shiny from all the drinking he must have done before coming here and the dark bags under his eyes let me know that his weekend was probably as bad as mine.

"I was there..." I muttered.

I began clenching my fists as quickly and tightly as I could and even had to close my eyes when the scene didn't stop playing in my head.

"I know you were..." Now that he was no longer shouting, I could hear just how slurred his voice was.

At least the flashback was gone now.

I tried to move my arm away from him but he tightened his hold again and I yelped when the pain that was bearable until then accented.

He didn't seem to notice, however.

"What. Did. You. Mean. When. You. Said. He. Fell?!" His voice was eerily calm.

"Y-you're hurting me, Tom..." I murmured.

"What do I need to do for you to answer my question?!" He shouted while shaking me.

"He wanted me to come and sit with him in his new tree-house, he said we could be together forever if I came with him..." He gasped and I opened my eyes again.

It was the first time I was talking about that afternoon. Even Dr. Eliott had never managed to get me to talk about it.

"I told him I'd rather go and get you first..." I could no longer feel his vice-grip. "He huffed, said I was no better than all the other girls, that my stupid crush on you had ruined everything anyway and that nothing would ever be the same from then on..." I could still see how tormented he'd looked that day. "I was in tears... It was the first time he talked to me like that... With so much disappointment, so much disgust... I saw a flash of regrets in his eyes and he apologized, said I shouldn't have chosen you, that I could have any other boy at school so why you?" I could hear Tom slow breathing as I finally let it all out. "I told him that I was pretty sure you liked me back..." I felt him tremble strangely at that but didn't stop. "And he laughed." I could feel fresh tears rolling down my cheeks. "He laughed like he was possessed or something, it sounded mean, evil and it made me feel small..." I sniffled. "Small and stupid... So I asked him why he was being so mean all of a sudden..." I paused as a flash of the pitiful look Cam had sent me at that moment appeared in my mind. "He shook his head slowly and asked me one last time if I wanted to join him up there... Said I'd certainly end up less miserable with him up there, than down there with you..." I shrugged. "But I was kind of mad at him right then so I told him that I didn't feel like being with him right then and started walking away... I hadn't gone far when he called me again." I could feel he was shaking but knew that I'd never get to the end if I opened my eyes." So I walked back toward the tree and had to look up because he was already on the platform. "Fizz..." He shouted. "I'm sorry for everything... I love you..." And then he suddenly stiffened and he closed his eyes as if he felt bad. He said it again. "I love you..." and his body fell head first. I screamed. He must have had a heart attack or some sort of stroke the way some boxers or football players sometimes have after they've been hit..." I was whispering now, I no longer felt my body or any pain at all. It was like I was having an out of body experience. "That's why I'm so desperate to know what you fought about..." I went on.