❃
i heard from my mother that when you start to die, your eyes grow sadder. they wither, in a sense, and as everything starts shutting down, your emotions spill out from your eyes.
is that why people close their eyes when they cry?
is that why people close their eyes when they kiss?
is that why people close their eyes when they die?
to keep the emotions from spilling?
i can hear dan begging me to stay alive, to stay alive for him. i wish so badly to inform him that i want to, but the void between my life and where i am now proves to be too far. i want to go back, but i don't believe that i'm quite in control of that anymore. how am i supposed to wake myself up?
this cancer has already taken over every aspect of me. it's spread its venom through my entire body, coursing through my veins and seeping through my skin. i fear that it will end up swallowing me whole. i can't fight this battle any longer, and i understand that. i want to be in control of my fate, not the cancer.
good game; good game.
i can hear a countdown from ten.
ten
i feel dans fingers intertwine with mine; he must be devastated. i'm sorry, dan. we promised to be a forever, and i failed. please don't blame yourself.
nine
he can't hear me, and i know for a fact that i'm starting to drift away into the abyss of the unknown. where i'm headed next, i have no idea.
eight
my heart aches as i realize my mother will never get to visit me. at least we talked. i am grateful for that.
seven
am i going to join my father?
six
i imagine myself with dan. i'm cuddled close to him, listening to his soft heartbeat. he smiles at me and mumbles, "i love you." i smile back.
"i love you too."
i can no longer hear the counting down, so i open my eyes just a crack. i suddenly realize that i can see dan. his tear stained cheeks suddenly become paler than ever. he stares down at me in horror, almost, and i glance back, confused. i'm here; why does he look completely appalled?
it is then that i realize the truth: i am dead. i sit up, my spirit flows ever so freely around the room. i feel human, but i pass through dan every time i try to grab his hand. he closes his eyes, and i can hear the final, everlasting beep of the heart rate monitor.
i stare at myself, noticing how my eyes are closed in a somewhat blissful essence. when i glance back at dan, all i can hear him plea is for me to say a final goodbye.
so here's to goodbye, dan. i love you.
i want to close my eyes to shut out the pain. it's too much to bear. i can't handle seeing dan cry.
when i open my eyes, i am suddenly back in the void of darkness. it is my time now. i see a faint image of my still body, and finally understand. our eyes are truly the key to our souls.
that is why we close our eyes when we die.
❃
